Independence Day

Yes, yes... I know. It's not July 4th. It's December 29th. All the same, the title of this post is apropos. I am declaring today my Independence Day because it is high time that I took that on. I rely too much on other people. I rely too much on "things". I expect people and things to make me happy. Well, just like anything else, happiness is a choice, right? No one or no thing can MAKE me happy, just as no one or no thing can MAKE me do or be anything. I have to choose it for myself. I have to BE happy.

People and things can help me be happy, that's for sure. But in the end, it's my choice to be happy. So I have to make choices that fulfill me, rather than looking for fulfillment/happiness from outside sources. If I am not a happy person to begin with...nothing will MAKE me be so.

So a new attitude/outlook I need to adopt is one like this: Cleaning house/doing laundry chores, etc. isn't FUN... no. But having a clean and tidy house that is in order makes me HAPPY!!!

Exercise, especially when you are totally NOT fit isn't FUN... in fact it is downright painful. But being fit and healthy and at my goal weight will make me HAPPY.

Studying/working isn't always FUN but having financial security will make me HAPPY.

and so on.

I think I have been looking at my struggles in the wrong way, all this time! As I said in a previous post, that the weight I carry is not just physical, but emotional. And perhaps if I attack these emotional aspects in my pursuit of happiness, other stuff will fall into place. As the emotional burden lifts, I won't feel so tired all the time... the burst of energy will come and I will get moving... Saying this, I know I need to get moving regardless... but perhaps exercise won't be so arduous if my heart and my mind is lighter.

I've never really had to be "on my own" I lived with my family in some way or other... parents, older sister, and then with my husband. Never lived alone, never had to be completely and TOTALLY responsible for myself. I always had a fallback. This fallback has become a crutch, and the crutch isn't holding me up. It hasn't in a long time. It's time to toss the crutch aside.

Today's task is to declutter...rather to start decluttering. Our lives have a lot of detritus that needs to be culled through. But it's a beginning. I will take it a day at a time. I will also get up and get moving today. Not sure what I'm going to do...but I will post about it in my next entry.

Winter Break?

Now the rush and crush of the semester is over. I am on break. I have time to breathe now. Time to rest. Time to think. Is this a good thing? I am not so sure. So far, the days have been a reality check of sorts. I am realizing just how out of control I have gotten.

I guess that one good aspect of stress and pressure is that it keeps you hopping. I was so consumed with making good grades, passing all of my classes, performing well and learning, that I put everything else aside. I had tunnel vision, I was hyperfocused, etc.

Well now that's gone. I am happy, but I also feel kind of empty. I don't know what to do with myself. I am realizing just how out of control I and my life has become. It's not a pleasant feeling. I have no real hobbies, no creative outlets. It is the wet season, so I find myself cooped up indoors more often than not. I am having weird health issues sneaking up on me. I am noticing that my strength and stamina are waning. I think this scares me more than anything.

I've never been an athlete. But I was active. If I could do nothing else, I could walk like no one's business. I could walk for miles and not get tired. I roamed all over San Francisco last year when we went for our anniversary trip. Yeah, my feet hurt, but I wasn't tired. I wasn't winded, I wasn't sore. If I tried to do that now, I don't know if I could. I don't know when I'd crap out.

My upper body strength is for shit right now also. I worry about this in terms of clinicals and working... will I be able to do transfers? Will I be able to function? This is becoming just as consuming as my weight now.

The extra weight I carry on my body is not just physical... it is also symbolic. I have lived my life carrying a lot of emotional weight. I am the strong one. I am the one who carries my own baggage, and that of others. I need to shed the weight. Not just the physical, but the emotional weight as well. If I can find a way to do that, then the pounds will come off, too, I think. I picked up a book called "The Happiness Project" today, it was recommended by a friend.

I see a lot of truth in the little bit I've seen so far. It has been a long time since I stopped to smell the roses, since I've done anything simply for fun or enjoyment. I've worked towards goals, or daydreamed about a future with happiness in it. I really think I've missed the point.

Time to try a new approach, I think.

Update

I have lost about 8 pounds thus far. I am finally back under the 250 mark. :)

As usually seems to happen when I start to seriously exercise, I got sick. Boo! However, I didn't get AS sick this time. I recovered quicker. I am still not at 100 percent though. Todays workout kinda proved that. :-P

It's been 7 days since my last workout. I did 30 minutes instead of the usual 45 of interval cardio. I shortened it for 2 reasons: being sick, and also we're going to the fair, where we will spend the entire day walking all over the fairgrounds. I am going to try to go easy on the fair foods. Packing in some snacks, eating only when I'm hungry, and allowing myself ONE sweet treat. Oh, and water water water to drink.

Things I have learned from today's workout. I cannot work out on an empty stomach. I just can't do it. 30 minutes felt like an hour!!! And also that even in a weakened state, I can still accomplish a lot. I was a total phlegm-bot though. ugh!

I am looking forward to the fair. I've been studying my brains out for patho. I need to decompress a little bit.

My doctor increased my Celexa dose again. I am hoping that it quells the anxiety that has been creeping up. I totally blew a quiz I should have done well on because I was anxious and choked out. Just like the dosage calc quiz last semester.

Anyway, I'm off to the fair.

Results!!! Already?!?! :)

It looks like I have lost about 4 lbs of waterweight off the top! Which in and of itself isn't all that remarkable, BUT, it is showing in my appearance too, some. My ankles, which of late have been looking pretty puffy, look....well.... NORMAL! LOL! :) I think my tummy's a *bit* smaller too. A T shirt that is usually really tight, is now only somewhat tight.

Not to make a mountain out of a mole hill, but any noticeable change feels really good, and adds to my motivation to stick with this. It's a small victory, and I want to celebrate it.

I'm very happy rite now.

Rest day

Today I took a day away from the treadmill. My body finally got really sore, plus I had a day packed with studying and errands. So though I didn't do the interval cardio, I walked around a fair bit, at the farmers market, and again at Target.

I have also watched my food intake, haven't been grazing/snacking much today. Tomorrow I will get back to it, though. For tonight, though I am spent. All the work I put into studying patho today, study group with friends, just absolutely drained me. It almost feels like my brain got out of shape over the summer! :p

Stress is trying to creep back in... can't let it! Probably will turn in early tonight, and then try to work out when I get up tomorrow morning. Then study after I finish my workout. Maybe that will beat the stress back out of my head. The study group today was a little chaotic. We were all kind of at different points in the material, and trying to work together as a unit. Everyone is stressing about this first quiz. :-/

This isn't much of a workout entry, but since stress/fear is the mind killer, I want to get this out into the universe, so it doesn't hamper me or cause me to stray from my path. I hated how lost I felt. I hated realizing how much information I have lost in the intervening 3 years since I took A&P, especially since it is so fundamental to this class and its curriculum. It scares me a little. This class weeds people out. We have 6 people in our class that are re taking it because they failed out of it. I don't want to be in that number next semester. :( I have to get on top of this!

Ok... gonna breathe... relax... sleep on it, then see what tomorrow brings. Hopefully some clarity.

The Day After

I'm feeling pretty good today. Not that sore...in fact, I'm not sore at all. Does that mean I didn't work out hard enough? LOL! I counted my calories very strictly and I mark yesterday a success. I was able to stay in my calorie budget. Nights are going to be hard, though. I am a NOTORIOUS late night snacker!!!!! between 9:30 and 10pm I was DYING!! Or so it felt, at least. :-P My body was trying to tell me it was just SO HUNGRY!!! I just pushed through it, though. I didn't eat anything. Didn't even drink water!

Today is a brand new day. I am still feeling the surge of energy. I am still feeling motivated. These are all good things. I hope this continues long enough for me to see some results. If it doesn't, I will have to push/pull/drag myself through it.

I did a Google search last night trying to answer my own question about vegetarians and the Biggest Loser. I stumbled across an article that implied that Bob Harper himself is vegetarian.... I never would have known it... he's always hawking Jenny-O Turkey products and yogurt and such. I find that strange, and somewhat disappointing. :-/

Ah well. I will have to blaze a trail, I guess. :)

Goals I am setting. Target weight 167 lbs. I will do cardio 5 days a week, strength 3 days a week. Yoga at least 1-2 days a week... Not sure if that's overdoing it... I will strive for this, and adjust if I feel a need. And of course... NO MORE SODA!!!

D Is for Discipline....

I had an epiphany day before yesterday. It struck my awareness in a way nothing else has so far. I was sitting on my big overstuffed study chair reading my textbook, when I was struck with a massive craving for ice cream. I mean a SERIOUS jones. Like a smoker has for a cigarette! I have never experienced that before, and it caught me off guard. I chewed a piece of sugar free gum, which helped. I did end up succumbing to the call of the ice cream bar a few hours later though. Honestly though, I think that's the first time that I actually tested myself... Usually when I feel hungry or crave something, I eat it. I have never really actively tried to ignore my cravings. Which surely is a big part of why I'm in the shape I'm in now. I never realized just how MUCH of a hold food had on me.

That woke me up. My schedule has changed, I have more time to crack down and be hardcore about it. I woke up this morning and had a nutritious breakfast. I have only had coffee (in the morning) and water to drink today. I want to quit soda pop altogether. I had a Dr. Pepper yesterday, and that will be my last one!!! I need to find other substitues for the bubbles... maybe seltzer water or mineral/sparkling water will do? I will miss the bubbles so much! :( I have had fruits and veggies all day and I worked out on the treadmill for 45 minutes. Thank heavens I had a Nine Inch Nails concert video to distract me. My patho book didn't fit on the treadmill, and my mp3 was dead... :p but Trent Reznor and company on TV got me through it. The last 15 minutes were tough... I wanted to quit, but I didn't. I finished. I want to ride the success of today for a while.

I feel good. Maybe it's because I'm back in school and feel like I'm working towards something scholastically, so now working towards something personally is a good fit right now. It may be that I'm just tired of being overweight, tired of being upset about being overweight, time to put up or shut up. I will need a new sports bra though... the ones I have SUUUUCK! The girls were smashed but not supported... they still bounced painfully. :( (yeah yeah, TMI, I know :-P ) .

I found a calorie count site online that I like so far.... although some of the calorie counts are off or differ, so I'm keeping a paper food diary too, starting today. My daily caloric intake for weight loss is 1500 calories a day, so I am busting out with the measuring cups and spoons, and the food scale. Will try to drink water mainly, so I'm not adding calories with beverages. I'm guessing that trimming the 500 calories alone will help, but I guess with regular activity that will help too... I am just puzzled about it because the analysis section says that net calories should be a negative number, but I don't see how that's possible without doing 4-5 hour workouts a la Biggest Loser.
:-P The website is calorie count : www.caloriecount.about.com

Speaking of Biggest Loser, it's about to start up again. I am an avid watcher, this season I will workout while I watch and see if I can lose along with them. I'd really like to see a vegetarian contestant on that show. I'm so tired of all the diet/fitness/nutrition "experts" saying that you have to eat animal products to have adequate protein intake. I refuse to compromise on this point, and there has never been any positive role models or feedback for vegetarian/vegan athletes. Or am I just not looking hard enough? Hell, I'd do it myself... I'd audition so I could be the one (unless they have a no veggies rule up front), public humiliation be damned, if it would help matters! :p But school is my other big priority along with my own personal health.

I have quit smoking, I am feeling pretty good about things. I know I sound like the girl who cried wolf by now with all of these "I'm gonna do it!!!" entries... but I really think this will stick. I just have a feeling.

So D is for Discipline, I'm trying to clean house, in a manner of speaking. Clearing clutter, keeping things in order, and now trying to get back to my healthy beautiful self.

Summer

Went on vacation for a couple of weeks, didn't have a definite workout regimen, but was very active. I swam a lot, and I walked a lot, and played a dance game on the Wii. Since getting home, I've been trying to get the house back in order, so I've been doing some pretty major cleaning. Also been watching what I eat.

I will re-start my C25K workouts tomorrow. I want to get into that for serious. I am also going to try to balance it with strength training and yoga. Summer has finally hit Seattle, and I am feeling energized.

I also had a good talk with my partner, I think we have found a decent solution to some of our work/life/chores balance issues. Also trying to find a way to live on a super tight budget and not feel deprived and depressed. I think we are onto something though... We'll see.

Back to work, putting laundry away! :p

Illness part 2

The weight is coming off, I am back down to about 243 now. Which is where I was before that little surprise weight gain happened. I attribute it as much to being sick as to anything else though at this point. My appetite is smaller, which is good. My energy level is low though... I haven't been able to use my CPAP machine, so I've not been sleeping well at all for over a week. I'm feeling pretty sluggish and rough right now. I'm gonna have to pound some caffiene or something to be able to do my workout today. So unmotivated, want to curl up and go back to sleep. :(

Time for some coffee/soda and a dose of Sudafed. Gotta get moving!

Endorphins...

I got a taste of those yesterday after my workout. "runner's high" indeed! LOL I was in very high spirits, almost manic once I was done, and it took a while to wear off... I haven't felt that good in a long time. I want feel like that again. So I think I'll try to do this workout again tomorrow after work.

I felt energetic, and giggly and happy. It may have been the endorphins, but it also was a sense of accomplishment, I think. The feeling of finally getting up off my butt and MOVING!

Good stuff.

The Illness Diet...

I am sick... :p caught a cold, that was different from the typical cold. It hit hard, and lay me low for 2 days... today is the first day I felt semi human. Tomorrow will be my first attempt at exercise again. Don't want to get off track.

Fasting and fighting illness burned 10 pounds off my frame, which puts me back where I was before I turned 40, in the 240's. Gonna get moving again tomorrow. Haven't touched a cigarette in over a week. I hope to continue that streak as well. I need to keep my lungs capacity for all this cardio.

I'm going to research pool workouts, too. I want to have a workout regimen that involves the pool, and not just swimming laps.

Walking Mission Accomplished.

I took a 45 minute walk on the greenbelt trail. The terrrain is uneven, lots of hills. I got my HR up to 154 at the max. 180 is my target rate, but I think I would have passed out if I got it that high. :p I am sweating like a pig, and I was breathing very heavily, if I'd had a friend with me, I doubt I could have had a conversation. My face is beet red too! LOL

Oh how the mighty has fallen. Didn't make it to the lake, but I'll get there. I am in training mode now, because I know my sister is going to kick my ass when I get down to Texas. She has a pool though, and I will be a lap swimming, pool exercise doing mofo.

Feels good to have done something. :)

The Sun Is Out

It's warm outside. I think a walk is in order. I will walk for my health, I will walk for my sanity, I will walk to the lake today.
But first breakfast. Muesli cereal with soymilk. Mmmmm.

Resuscitation

Ok... it's summer, time to bring this blog back to life! I started taking SlimQuick packets (that you add to the water bottle) and I am going to start exercising. Went for a short but very fast walk. Kept a pace that made conversation difficult, was sweating like crazy by the time I finished, and I am sore today... all good signs.

Today I have MAJOR housecleaning to do, and I think I'll hit the treadmill, or maybe do a dvd or wii fit.... haven't decided yet. Weather is being douchey so outside isn't an option today. :(

Upon turning 40 I added a bit more weight to my pile. Now I think I have to lose about 1oo pounds total.. *sob* I can do this, though... I can do it. I will do it.

Now it's time to get to work.

Rock Bottom

Rock bottom? I think this might just be it... I am 40 years old, 5'10" and weight 249 pounds. I got this way over a long period of time. I didn't get here alone, but my trip back might have to be a solo journey. How did I get like this? There is no one reason. I am past the point where blaming my childhood and blaming others has any value. For a time, I was trapped by circumstance, but that time has past. The responisibility for my current situation rests squarely on my shoulders. It is time to stop being passive. It is time to stop whinining and daydreaming. I am the only one who can change anything.

Fuck depression! Fuck it in its sick, sad, pitiful ass! Depression is something that has only recently overtaken me. I didn't used to be depressed, but escapism was my coping style before the Sad Times. However escapism can only go so far and then it, too is dangerous. In fact it can trigger depression. Wanting something... something you cannot have, wanting it so bad it causes physical pain! Pain to the point of paralysis.
I've always insisted that even at my worst, I have never been suicidal. But now I wonder, while it is must vehemently true that I've never given a moment's thought to actively killing myself (gulping pills, shooting/stabbing/hanging myself, etc), isn't what I've been doing over thesee years a more subtle, insidious form of suicide? Sitting quietly and passively by as life lived me? Watching the weight of my body increase? Witnessing the loss of my facial features and my beauty? Because yes, I can say now ith absoolute certainty that I was beautiful. God I wish I knew that then! Will I be able to find my way back to that? I hope so. I am going to try. All of these years I've been a sculpture in reverse, the statue disappearing into the stone slab... only my slab is of fat. It is time to sharpen the chisels and get to work.

Advancing weight, smoking, sadness beyond measure at ttimes and a feeling of helplessness as I have been carried by this self-destructiven current. Sounds kind of like suicide to me, the slow, agonizing kind. The cry for help kind. But no one is going to save me. No one CAN save me. I think finally, after a lifetime of seeking salvation and a rescuer who has yet to come, I have realized that it is going to take a lot of strength of will. It is going to be very difficult. But I WANT it!! I want to save myself.

I shake my head in wonder at how I got here. So much giving, so little self awareness, just a series of small self gratifications that were fleeting in their relief of my pain.

Pain. I keep referring to pain. A pain I cannot name, explain or quantify. A pain that, even in the face of a life most would find envieable, I spen much of my time miserable. What I wouldn't give to be SATISFIED!!!!! What I wouldn't give to be content and happy with the blessings that I have been given. Instead, I spend so much time reflecting on my wants, feeling restless and irritable, or jus unbelieveably sad. Some days are good days, spent with happy thoughts, goals, daydreams and of course the old favorite, GOOD INTENTIONS!! But I am at a point where my body is a prison. It has become some heavy, cumberosme and unwieldy. I have become so self conscious about my looks that all the mental energy of these happy bursts just trails off into nothing, and I am left feeling like a failure, worthless and listless, and judge myself so harshly that I am paralyzed again and cannot move.

I have no idea what causes this pain, but it's a pain that goes back so far that it is only now, looking in a mirror, or at photos at a woman I barely recognize that the full impact is hitting me.

I can't fix the past. I can't change it. It is written, my history, carved in stone. I have to push forward and let the sweat and tears wash away the writing, as the rain washes the engravings from tombstones and write a new story, a story that begins now. I went for a walk on the Soos Creek Trail today. To clear my head, for catharsis. I took two stones from the creek bed. I will keep them close. They will be my touchstones. Time for healing to begin. I pray it's not too late. I pray I have the strength.

Written May 15, 2010.

May 16th.

After I came home from the walk, I talked to a dear friend, and she said she will help me start this process. I plan to clean my pantry, restock, and start over. Healthier foods. More activity and exercise.

There is a lot going on in my world right now... not all of it is good... my life is a bit of a hot mess right now. I have a lot to think about... a lot of decisions to make... I had no idea that 40 was going to be a crossroads for me, yet here I sit.

I have to admit, quite frankly that I am scared to death. Of what, I have no idea. I just know that the time to hesitate is through... and of course... "a life lived in fear, is a life half lived."

Walkin'

Yesterday the weather was fantastic. Sunny, warm. I was able to take a nice long walk to the lake, and then back. It was about an hour, round trip, and the terrain was hilly, so it was a good workout. So good, in fact, that my legs are super sore!!!

Today was super nice too, but alas I had class in the morning, then worked until after dark. Maybe I'll hit the treadmill tomorrow after class.

Hard Truths

January sucks... it always sucks, and this January was no different. On top of the usual January doldrums, I lost a very dear friend. Adding in work stress from training 2 new MA's to do my job, losing one of those MA's, working with a very stressed out nurse practitioner, and other things too numerous to list here, I am falling apart.
Iwent to my doctor today for an evaluation of my Celexa, and came out of that appointment with a new prescription for Wellbutrin to supplement it. My blood pressure and blood sugar are higher than average, and so I am flirting with diabetes at this point. All of this culminating the week before I start nursing school. *sigh* February isn't starting off too well, looks like. :(

I guess I have to just dig deep and figure a way to turn this around. I know it's reversible, and hopefully some of the other things I deal with healthwise are reversible, like the sleep apnea, for instance. I don't want to be tied to a damn machine for the rest of my life.

I am hoping like hell that the Celexa/Wellbutrin combo works, I am tired of feeling listless and lethargic. I am going to have to make some serious changes to my diet, and lifestyle. It all feels so overwhelming though. I am going to try to find a counselor to see if poking around in my brain will help things any. I feel like this is just too much for me to do on my own. It's too bad doctor's can't prescribe gym memberships and access to personal trainers, and it be covered by insurance. I said that to my PMD and he just laughed. :p

New Year!

I've lost about 2 lbs. thus far.... gonna watch my eating a bit more carefully over weekends... these past couple of holiday weekends have kind of messed with my healthy eating habits.

I got my hair cut in a style I like, and I have some new scrubs that fit me better, so it is helping me feel a little bit better about myself. I have some black eyed peas thawing, because I am not above a little bit of superstition if it helps me at all! lol

Here is hoping that 2010 is a banner year!