Now the rush and crush of the semester is over. I am on break. I have time to breathe now. Time to rest. Time to think. Is this a good thing? I am not so sure. So far, the days have been a reality check of sorts. I am realizing just how out of control I have gotten.
I guess that one good aspect of stress and pressure is that it keeps you hopping. I was so consumed with making good grades, passing all of my classes, performing well and learning, that I put everything else aside. I had tunnel vision, I was hyperfocused, etc.
Well now that's gone. I am happy, but I also feel kind of empty. I don't know what to do with myself. I am realizing just how out of control I and my life has become. It's not a pleasant feeling. I have no real hobbies, no creative outlets. It is the wet season, so I find myself cooped up indoors more often than not. I am having weird health issues sneaking up on me. I am noticing that my strength and stamina are waning. I think this scares me more than anything.
I've never been an athlete. But I was active. If I could do nothing else, I could walk like no one's business. I could walk for miles and not get tired. I roamed all over San Francisco last year when we went for our anniversary trip. Yeah, my feet hurt, but I wasn't tired. I wasn't winded, I wasn't sore. If I tried to do that now, I don't know if I could. I don't know when I'd crap out.
My upper body strength is for shit right now also. I worry about this in terms of clinicals and working... will I be able to do transfers? Will I be able to function? This is becoming just as consuming as my weight now.
The extra weight I carry on my body is not just physical... it is also symbolic. I have lived my life carrying a lot of emotional weight. I am the strong one. I am the one who carries my own baggage, and that of others. I need to shed the weight. Not just the physical, but the emotional weight as well. If I can find a way to do that, then the pounds will come off, too, I think. I picked up a book called "The Happiness Project" today, it was recommended by a friend.
I see a lot of truth in the little bit I've seen so far. It has been a long time since I stopped to smell the roses, since I've done anything simply for fun or enjoyment. I've worked towards goals, or daydreamed about a future with happiness in it. I really think I've missed the point.
Time to try a new approach, I think.