Monday, December 27, 2010

Winter Break?

Now the rush and crush of the semester is over. I am on break. I have time to breathe now. Time to rest. Time to think. Is this a good thing? I am not so sure. So far, the days have been a reality check of sorts. I am realizing just how out of control I have gotten.

I guess that one good aspect of stress and pressure is that it keeps you hopping. I was so consumed with making good grades, passing all of my classes, performing well and learning, that I put everything else aside. I had tunnel vision, I was hyperfocused, etc.

Well now that's gone. I am happy, but I also feel kind of empty. I don't know what to do with myself. I am realizing just how out of control I and my life has become. It's not a pleasant feeling. I have no real hobbies, no creative outlets. It is the wet season, so I find myself cooped up indoors more often than not. I am having weird health issues sneaking up on me. I am noticing that my strength and stamina are waning. I think this scares me more than anything.

I've never been an athlete. But I was active. If I could do nothing else, I could walk like no one's business. I could walk for miles and not get tired. I roamed all over San Francisco last year when we went for our anniversary trip. Yeah, my feet hurt, but I wasn't tired. I wasn't winded, I wasn't sore. If I tried to do that now, I don't know if I could. I don't know when I'd crap out.

My upper body strength is for shit right now also. I worry about this in terms of clinicals and working... will I be able to do transfers? Will I be able to function? This is becoming just as consuming as my weight now.

The extra weight I carry on my body is not just physical... it is also symbolic. I have lived my life carrying a lot of emotional weight. I am the strong one. I am the one who carries my own baggage, and that of others. I need to shed the weight. Not just the physical, but the emotional weight as well. If I can find a way to do that, then the pounds will come off, too, I think. I picked up a book called "The Happiness Project" today, it was recommended by a friend.

I see a lot of truth in the little bit I've seen so far. It has been a long time since I stopped to smell the roses, since I've done anything simply for fun or enjoyment. I've worked towards goals, or daydreamed about a future with happiness in it. I really think I've missed the point.

Time to try a new approach, I think.


  1. Yay!!!!! You got the book??? That's awesome. I've sent it to one friend and I'm buying it and sending it to a cousin of mine tomorrow. Seriously, focus on small things. Make a resolution just to drink enough water, take vitamins and walk for 30 minutes everyday. Just that. Put all your focus on those three things and nothing else... or whatever you choose. If you have course stuff that is on audio, then go on a walk with it. If you like some NPR podcasts, then only listen to them if you are walking. The big picture is what gets out motivation down.


    Check out the website for the book... and seriously, let's keep tabs on each other. Would you like to create a group for us on FB?

  2. Yes. I got the book. :) A facebook group might be good too.

  3. I'm rooting for you down here in Eugene, Gigi. This time of year is tough. I'm actually finding myself with too much time, which is hard. I don't have a lot of hobbies, and I often just fall into depression. I think one of my only resolutions for the new year is to be mindful of what I'm doing. If I can stop and take stock of what I'm doing, maybe I'll be more productive?

    Thinking of you...