Release the Floodgates!

I am feeling better at this moment in time than I have felt in a very long time. The food log makes counting calories/carbs so much easier, and it's helped me lose weight. So far I'm holding at 6 pounds lost, but I haven't gained anything back... I have also been much more active. Been taking walks on the beach, in the woods, through the park, etc, and just getting up and getting out and around. I have never considered myself any sort of hermit, but the past few weeks have kind of shown me that I have been in fact quite reclusive.

Depression sort of seems to build on itself. The more I stayed inside and just sat, the worse it got. But I've been out and around, going to events that I have never been to before, seeing sights that I've not seen in 15 years of living here. Having an outlet for stress, such as not sitting around the house and brooding about things, has made a huge difference. The most notable being that I am taking an interest in myself and my surroundings again.

I actually went out and bought a couple of tubes of lipstick, for one thing.Lipstick used to be my trademark... if I wore no other makeup (and often that was the case)I'd have some color on my lips. Not sure when, or why...but I stopped wearing it. I am wearing it again, or at least lip gloss. I got a new pair of snazzy sunglasses. I re-pierced my ears after years upon years, maybe even a decade plus without them. I honestly don't think I have worn earrings in Sophia's lifetime (until now) and she's 12. I bought new lingerie, something else that's pretty rare for me anymore, I bought a pair of cute denim shorts, some cute flip flops, and colored my hair back to my old friend ginger. I make a pretty good redhead, but I got away from that color because it would get all brassy and gross. But I have come back!

I am also back to trying to get some chores done, instead of sitting and ignoring my surroundings. I have been making morning coffee, being the first one up, and just feeling more crisp, clear and alert. I think all the steps I've taken; getting back on consistent meds schedule, watching my food intake closely, and of course re starting counseling/therapy, are starting to pay off. I'm starting to feel/see results. No matter what the scale says, my tummy is shrinking. My knees don't hurt anymore when I take the stairs. I don't lumber around like a bull in a china shop anymore there's a spring in my step. Small things are adding up to a pretty big thing. :)

I am discovering just how social an animal I really am, not so crippled by the shyness that has wrapped me like a cloak for most of my life. I am still new to all this. I am still scared. I still worry too much about silly things. But I am doing so much better now than I have in such a long time. I daresay that at this moment I am..... happy!

News of th Week

I had another nice walking opportunity on Saturday. I walked around Alki Beach and ended up walking for about a mile and a quarter. I continue to watch my food intake. I saw my nutritionist yesterday and she said that I am doing well, but maybe being a little too obsessive about the calorie/carb counting. I will work on that. And I guess protein intake needs to improve. :p There's always something. But it's going ok so far. I've lost about 3 pounds in 2 weeks, which I guess is healthy/normal.

She said that exercise needs to be something I do on a regular basis. I told her my motivation has been pretty low, and that I started seeing a therapist she had recommended, and hopefully that would help. She then said something that I need to hold on to, when I want to be my own self critic. "You seem pretty motivated to me. You have been to see your doctor, you sought out a therapist and started counseling, you are here to see me. That's motivation. You're actually doing a lot!" Which when she said it, it just clicked and felt right. I would never have made that conclusion on my own though. :p

Coupling that with what my therapist said to me earlier in the week... I had made a jokey comment about how "this taking care of myself crap is too much work!" She then noted that I'd gotten a pedicure and asked if I'd done it myself. I said "oh no! I had it done. I don't get them as often as I'd like, but it was a nice treat." She said that I should look at taking care of myself as a treat, rather than work. I have my work cut out for me there! LOL

I have been feeling a lot better, though since starting this process. I hope that it continues.

Today's achievements

Today was a pretty good day. A donut was purchased for me this morning at Starbucks, but I didn't eat it. I had a couple of bites and then put it away. Just had a couple more bites. (When I went to enter it into my food journal, the ONE donut had 450 calories!!! 2 Cupcake Royale cupcakes were also purchased for me, and thus far I have eaten half of one. (A whole cupcake from there on average is about 490 calories!! eeep). This is very good for me, because usually I'd have eaten the whole donut, then later eaten a whole cupcake, and then before bed the second cupcake... plus the food I eat. Those 2 treats alone constitute nearly half of my calorie allowance. I also ordered a Subway footlong, and only ate half of it (for lunch) and will have the 2nd half here in a while for dinner.

AND......

I walked today. I walked a mile around the park at Lake Meridian. It was a gorgeous day so Nick and I went out and about. :) We walked at a leisurely pace, but I still busted a sweat and burned about 100 calories. Now I am sitting in the sun at home. I have lost about 3 pounds since July 11th (I last weighed myself a few days ago). I feel good today, for the first time in quite a while. I hope it lasts. I had my second counseling appointment. So far I like the therapist. She's nice. I am cautiously optimistic.

My current flurry of activity.

I met with a dietitian today. She's super nice, and had lots of good info and suggestions for me. I have uploaded an app for a food log to my phone. I think that will make my food tracking so much easier!

I also scheduled a follow up appointment with my PMD to follow up on my labs from my physical. Gonna have to see what he says is up with the blood sugar, then start tracking it, etc. I also got some referrals for counseling from the dietitian, and put in a call. I left a message, and she called back so quick I was on the other line with my PMD making that appointment, so I am playing phone tag with her. I am hopeful that I may be able to set something up with her and soon. I certainly need it!

Setback or push forward?

My labs came back, and as expected my blood sugar was high. And this was the 2nd time. So... yeah... I guess that means I have type 2 diabetes. Fabulous. :(

I am disappointed and sad. I am going to have to give up a lot of stuff I love to get my sugar under control. As well as the exercise, which I'm already doing. But give up cheese? ice cream? wha?? :( That makes me so sad!

I guess this is definitely the push I needed to go vegan. Pretty much everything I have to give up is an animal product. *sigh*

I am a bit scared because I am so horrible at taking care of myself, and so horrible at being organized, and I will NEED to be both. I already feel like I can barely handle my life at times... I'm really not thrilled to be adding this to it. I really don't want to have to take meds... I'm on enough meds already... and diabetes reacts badly with so many meds. Ugh.

Gotta reverse the numbers... Gotta keep exercising and go ahead and change the diet. Good thing I'm seeing a nutritionist in a couple weeks.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzumba!!!!

I got in on the last half of the Zumba class. HOLY CRAP!! That was a workout and a half! When I got to the gym, there was a sign saying that the class was full. Disappointed, I went and started working out on a stationary bike. I ended up doing a half hour and rode for 4 miles, burned 100-ish calories. Then went to the front desk to get a towel, and asked the lady on duty how early a girl had to be to get in the class. She told me, but then she told me there had been several no shows, so I could just go on in and give it a whirl. So I did...

I felt like a bull in a china shop, not very graceful or coordinated, but I will work on that. I hope to get better. I definitely got in a good workout. If you sweat buckets, you're burning fat, rite?? I was pouring sweat!! POOOUUURING! :P I need a shower. I'm gross. But I feel good. I am going to join the gym. I'll sign up tomorrow or Wednesday.

Feelin' good, albeit not very graceful or coordinated!

Workout!!!!

Went to Kentwood High tennis courts and hit some tennis balls around with Nick and Sophia. I have really lost my hustle. I will get it back though. I would have to sit down every 10-15 minutes or so, as tennis playing is like sprinting; very high intensity. But I kept at it. We stayed for about an hour. Then Nick and Sophia worked on some volleyball drills while I hit tennis balls against the backboard. The sun was out and we were sweating like pigs.

We then went to Starbucks for a brief break, and then headed across the street to the gym. We did about 5 minutes on the stairstepper/elliptical combo machine, then we went to the resistance machines and did 10-20 reps on each machine...just sort of getting acquainted with them. I guess I'll know if I got a good resistance workout if I have sore guns tomorrow. LOL We worked arms pretty much. Then we hit the exercise bikes and spent about 20 minutes on them. I rode about 2 1/2 miles. Not sure how many calories I burned, probably not too many as we didn't really stay at any one machine... but it was still a workout. I was all sweaty and funky and such. Not bad for my first gym workout.

I'm feelin' the endorphins, for sure! Off to a good start, Sophia had fun, I had fun, and the hour went by faster than expected.

I am posting this to get it out of me and into the universe... I am aware that many of these fears are probably baseless and even irrational, but they are still very real to me. (Gotta love anxiety). So I want to address them.

I fear finding out just how far I've fallen, and how out of shape I've become. I fear being the one everyone laughs at in the gym. I know this particular fear is dumb. I know what Iv'e become, I also know that I'm there to become something else. Knowing this is what I will cling to when I see someone staring at me, or when my mind plays tricks on me and tries to sabotage me. I am there to make a positive change in my life. I am there to finally have the body I am supposed to have. I will get there. It may take a long time, butI will get there.

I am afraid of the process. I am going to be doing some serious sould searchiing, opening emotional doors long locked and abandoned, and dealing with the demons that I stuffed down and medicated with food. I'm afraid of learning a whole new lifestyle and the work that entails. I am not a cook, never really learned. I will have to start from scratch. Learning how to cook, plan nutritious meals, etc. I have some basis in this, but expanding the repertoire, learning a whole new way of life. It's exciting, but also scary. It will be a step towards normalcy. LOL!!

I'm afraid of failing, of giving up before I reach my goal. I am the queen of not finishing what I started. I started "college" when I was 19. I didn't get my associates degree until I was 39. I have a year and a half left. I am doing well so far, but there are so many ways to mess up. So many ways to fail. I hear horror stories of peopl egetting flunked out or dismissed from the program, etc. One person got flunked out in the LAST weeks of his LAST semester before graduation. I don't want that to be me. it CAN'T be me!

To succeed:

I have to push past the fears. Remember why I'm doing this in the first place. Channel the perserverance I know I have. That's what pushes me through all the scary stuff I do.
Focus, focus FOCUS!!! No distractions, no escuses. This is my life. This is the ultimate way to show that I can indeed take care of myself. Without the help of anyone else, or in spite of the apathy of others.

Next update will be post gym workout!

7 Day Pass, Activate!

I almost chickened out, but I went in today on the last day I could redeem the pass I signed up for at the gym. The fine print said that kids 12 and over (with parent) can also have one, so we got her one and she will be my workout buddy. We took the guided tour, and Sophia was pretty stoked about using the equipment and stuffs, her enthusiasm is infectious. We'll see how it goes.

Tomorrow we make our debut.

Productive day, sort of...

I have made some calls today. I am having a physical on Monday morning, I am going to see a nutritionist in July (the soonest appointment I could get). And I have a message in to a therapist to have a consultation and maybe start counseling.

I have needed to do this for so long. But for whatever reason, I thought I was a big girl and could do this by myself. Or maybe it is just another by product of my depression, feeling so worthless that I didn't even have the energy, strength, or desire to make these calls on my own behalf.

I am tired of scraping by. I'm tired of not trusting myself, not loving myself, and not treating myself well. I have wasted so much time being this way. (and I don't just mean overweight)... I am tired of running away from myself... avoiding my issues and hiding. I can try any diet/exercise plan in the world, and it won't work or help me until I get my mind right. Hence the counseling. The nutritionist will help me have a healthy vegetarian diet, and the physical will tell me just how far I have fallen, and how much work I need to do to get back up to par. And also so my heart doesn't explode from me overestimating my fitnes level. :p

I have the summer off from school. Only gonna be working. Must make the most of this time so I can be in a better place when school resumes.

I am strong and I am capable!

Things to be proud of:

I made good grades this semester. I got my first A in nursing school, and the rest of my grades were B's. I did this in spite of feeling disorganized and 5 steps behind at all times, as well as anxious.

I was able to complete 2 clinical rotations, doing full 8 hour shifts at a mental health facility and a hospital. I learned many new skills, gave subcutaneous (under the skin) injections to real live patients of actual medications. I took out cathethers and IV's, and performed good patient care. I learne many new skills in a simulator/lab setting as well.

I got A's on 3 out of 4 final exams, too! Scholastically I did very well. I should be very proud of that.

I drove to Vashon Island and back by myself. This is a biggie for me because I have driving anxiety. I am able to function... and when I absolutely HAVE to go somewhere I can do it...but it's a very tense and stressful affair. Going to school in Tacoma, and various clinical sites has pushed me to drive more and further than I've had to in the past... and when I don't have to drive... I usually don't. I let my husband drive when we venture out together and such. This was the first time I have gone on the ferry alone. I had a nice long visit with a dear friend, and I felt pretty empowered when it was done. The weather was horrible on the drive there, rain and traffic made it challenging to read the road signs on the freeway, but I did it, and didn't crash my car or have a heart attack! I really hate having anxiety. I wish I didn't have it. :( I've been kind of lax with my meds too... So many other things going on, I have been forgetting it a fair bit. :-/

My goals for the rest of the week are:

To get my kitchen cleared and cleaned. I need to make the space clear and friendly for me to use. So I need counterspace and I need my refrigerator cleaned out, so I can cook meals ahead of time and store them for heat and eat later.

To do some form of exercise for 30-45 minutes a day... be it walking, Wii fit, a workout dvd or whatever. I would LOVE to go outside, but the weather is being VERY uncooperative right now. So sick of the rain! :p

In the next 2 weeks I hope to lose 2-5 pounds. (a conservative estimate... I'll take a bigger number if I get it! )

Do something fun and that I enjoy every day. All work and no play makes Gigi...something something! ;)

Identifying the problem

We recently discussed eating disorders in mental health, and obesity is classified as an eating disorder. I am not surprised by this... I can't even say I didn't really know this... but I have never really thought of myself as having an eating disorder... I guess I had fallen prey to the same stereotypes that almost everyone else has. The reason this is relevant, is because my textbook talked about some of the causes (in medical jargon that's etiology) of obesity... not the obvious ones, but the psychological components. When I was reading the material, it felt familiar... and it felt right... and it fit. It got my mind working and I was doing some reflection about why I am having so much trouble facing this problem and tackling it and resolving it.

The things that I have realized, and some theories I have come up with are:

Lack of strength....
I don't feel like I am strong enough to tackle a lifestyle change of this magnitude. I don't know why I feel this way, but I do. When I think of all the work I have to do, and all the weight I have to lose, it makes me just want to curl up in a ball and hibernate... and in a way, that's kind of what I have done, and continue to do. So this is part of the mental work I have to do. I keep telling myself that I need support, I need someone to do this with me... like an exercise buddy or something. My family has as yet not been able or willing to step into this support role for me. This doesn't make them unsupportive, and I realize this NOW. They don't know what do to help me, they have their own things going on, and ultimately this is MY journey, my fight, my business. Since strength is the issue, the only way to address this perception of weakness and slay this dragon for good is to do this BY MYSELF!! and FOR MYSELF!!! I can't expect them to help me. And even if they did help me... it wouldn't really help me (if that makes sense). So I think my Zune and my inner monologue will have to be my support network for now.

Fear
I have always had a very timid and tentative personality. I have always been the peacemaker/peacekeeper. I have always felt like I have to walk on eggshells aroun people. I have never been particularly assertive. I am the product of control freaks and dominant personalities. I have anxiety (diagnosed by a doctor), so I have some fears that can be really debilitating. And when I have people enabling me to avoid my fears, I don't face them or conquer them... I don't grow. So I have historically put myself in some pretty extreme situations to face and conquer my fears. One such situation was leaving Austin and moving to Seattle. Returning to school is another, for even though I am not afraid of nursing, I am TERRIFIED of failing, or screwing up big in some way. So to be working my way through school has been a pretty intense situation all by itself. I have to stand up and give presentations for strangers, I have to perform skills tests, and interact with strangers and people who are generally not in a happy place (patients), which has played HELL with my anxiety! Even on meds, I still flush deep red, and I sweat like a pig if I'm extremely anxious. So here I find myself in 2 really intense situations simultaneously. Am I STRONG enough to deal with 2 huge projects at once? Both of which require a ton of focus and discipline?? So just these 2 things are a vicious cycle.

Depression
I am on meds for depression as well as anxiety. They have helped me immensely, I am a different person now than I was before I started taking them. But I'm not fixed... LOL When I lived in Austin, I was thin. I started gaining all of my weight after I got to Seattle. I attribut this to a few things. One is the fact that I live in a suburb, and so you have to drive everywhere, unless you want to be on the bus all damn day. In Austin, I was in the heart of the city, I could walk anywhere I wanted to go, or take a short bus ride and I was there! So my activity level has decreased quite a bit just based on that alone.

Another thing is that when we moved here, we moved here alone. We had no friends or family living here. We left all of that behind in Austin and started fresh. The culture here is different. People are more reserved and timid, so I had a culture shock period. I had a very hard time making friends, in fact I still do. I mean, I get along with people. I get along with pretty much everyone... but I don't have that many FRIENDS. So not that many girls nights, or brunch dates, or whatever it is that people who have social lives do. I have my husband, but he's a homebody... he'd rather stay in than do just about anything. LOL I drag him out some, but mostly try to let him be. I also have a kid. So without that family/friends support network, we didn't really get out much because of lack of child care. No sitter = no outings. So basically this has been many many years of me pretty much being at home, not alone exactly, but still quite lonely.

Then let's add in the weather. The summers here are gorgeous (most of the time), but the rest of the year is pretty dismal. Lots of rain, and even more grey overcast days. In the winter, we don't get that much daylight. It's dark here in the dead of winter by 4:oo -4:30 pm. I really think I have seasonal affective. And I think I must have been a bear in a past life, because I don't like being out in yucky weather, especially when I'm forced to be.

So this is pretty much a recipe for disaster. My coping skills have been...well.... maladaptive... to use a mental health jargon/term. I turned into myself. I curled into a ball... and I guess medicated myself with food. Although I never really realized it. And while medicating myself with food, I became extremely sedentary and inactive. Yes, I know there are a million different ways I could have dealt with the situations I listed above. I can see that NOW!! :p LOL But that's the nature of depression... it's really hard to see past how shitty your life feels. It's really easy to feel like you have no control. Like life is living you.

I guess it is time to be my own nurse... Time to design my own care plan. Time to implement the solutions that have been so elusive to me up to this point. Time to put this education I'm going eyeballs deep into debt for in play.

I am almost done with school for the semester. So I think my summer will be the summer of Gigi. I finally have the tools in my toolbox, and I am learning how to use them now... I am going to try to build something over the summer. And yes, I know I have made sweeping pronouncements before. Some may see me as the girl crying wolf because if this. That's fine. I don't blame you. I guess the proof will be in the pudding at summer's end. And of course this will not just be a summer endeavor. I have way to much work to do for it to be over that quickly. But hopefully intensive work over summer with no other distractions (aka school), I will have the momentum and the mindset to be able to work on both my health and my education simultaneously. My brain might even work a bit better if it's healthier. LOL And I won't bust a sweat so quick in clinicals. And I won't feel like I got hit by a truck after an 8 hour shift on my feet.

That's my hope anyway.

RESULTS!!!

I LOST 2 LBS!!!!!! :) :) :) :) I am at 258! It's a start! A pretty good start! Feelin' good!

carrrrrrrrrrrrdio!

30 minutes on the treadmill doing interval cardio. So with 10 minutes for warm up/cool down, about 20 minutes. With the Zune in my ears on shuffle, it wasn't too bad. I may try for 40 minutes tomorrow. Which would be about 40 minutes of active cardio. I'm glad I did it though. I was sittin' here chillin' and chillin' some more... feeling a little bit uneasy, but not motivated enough to get up, but I put on my headphones and hit shuffle and the songs my player kicked out got me off my butt!

Nothing else to report, really.... just blogging today's exercise. I am hoping I can earn my way into a heart monitor/calorie counter watch. I am still not sure if I'm hitting or exceeding my target heart rates. I tried using the one on the treadmill, but I don't think it's even close to accurate. Workin' on it! Now just gotta watch what I eat for the rest of the day, hopefully my metabolism is waking up now!

Back to work

I ended up taking 3 days off between workouts. Hit a wall, I guess? Yesterday I was kind of angry with myself for not doing a workout. I am still watching my food intake, and I haven't been snacking nearly as much. So even without working out, I've still been better than I usually am.

I talked to my sister on the phone last night about what I've been doing. She's been in my corner for years, trying to help me motivate and get going. It's hard being so far away from her. She'd be the perfect workout buddy. :( But as I was telling her about the reading and the stuff that I've done, I felt the excitement return. Especially when I told her how loose my pants were. LOL. My weight loss is negligible so far, a couple of pounds at best, but my pants are so loose, I don't have to unbutton/unzip them before taking them off! So that tells me that something good is happening! I am also less awkward and stiff. My knees don't hurt as much. A small change, but a positive change nonetheless. Enough to keep me going, for sure.

I have been working really hard on using the proper form. I am getting a bit better at lunges, they are still kind of hard, and when I do have knee pain, it's when I do a lunge improperly. ouch! But I'm having less and less problems with that. So another improvement.

I did a "power sculpt" strength training workout dvd today, and strength training seems to be my forte. I was able to do the exercises...only had to modify the pushups, and didn't have to stop for a break, I did the whole thing, whereas the cardio dvd's KILL me!! I have to modify AND take breaks and march in place until I can resume. Is that normal, I wonder? To be better at one type of exercise than another? When the routine was done, I was sweaty and I was winded, but I was surprised it was "already" over.

I will probably do some form of cardio later today. Maybe a treadmill walk, as the rain/gloom has returned.

I am a little worried though. I have been able to do what I've done because I've been home and rested and haven't had other things to distract me.... Sophia's at school, Nick's at work, etc.

I start school again on Tuesday, and I am worried about being able to keep this up. I know there are things I can do on campus, such as walking from upper to lower campus and back a few times, and a track of sorts to walk on... and a pool I think? I may have to do that... I am not sure how much time I'll have between classes, clinicals and homework. :-/ I may have to seriously overhaul my sleep/wake schedule to fit it all in.

The other thing I worry about is eating... eating on the go is always harder than when I'm at home and can fix myself something... like a sandwich or a salad or whatever. I'll have to get creative. I'll have to buy a lunch bag thing... Hm... I guess I will do some brainstorming. I need ot figure it out. Don't want to lose momentum.

Tennis anyone??

We went to the Kentwood High School tennis courts today (the weather permitted), and we hit the ball around. There was a backboard, and 6 courts. We were there for a couple of hours, and I only took a couple of sit down breaks. I know my heart rate was up, and I got a good workout.

I felt more energetic today than I have in the past, so maybe my metabolism is starting to speed up a little bit. The only bad thing was I felt all heavy and lumber-y... like a bull in a china shop, kinda. I have a long way to go to get my flexibility back. But it felt good to be outside in the brisk cool weather.

Tennis is a game I enjoy, too. I used to be pretty darn good. If I can get my hustle and flow back, I can be good again. I still connect with the ball and can serve and such. :)

I will be going back there.

walkin' in a winter wonderland...

But without the snow... ;)

It's a dry day today, cloudy but with some sun breaks, so I decided to take a walk. I am very lucky to live near protected wetlands, and there's a hike/bike/equestrian trail that runs behind my house. It has uneven terrain, and it goes on for MILES, and it's a favorite spot particularly in the summer. It's a chunk of woods/forest in the midst of the suburbs.

I put my mp3 on shuffle and hit the road, Social D kicked things off, and I put one foot in front of the other and began my workout. It was humbling in a way, to see how far I'd let myself go. I have always been active, and even though I was never athletic, I could WALK! I used to walk everywhere! Or ride the bus. That is one thing I miss about urban life. I didn't need a car. Where I live, I need a car, or the patience to take 2 hour bus rides. I don't have the latter, so I have a car. I need it too much! :P Between that and the struggles of life I became pretty sedentary. Nursing school and the work/study time that it entails hasn't helped matters much. And yes, let's face it... I became pretty lazy. :(

The nice weather spurred me to get out of the house, and I'm glad I went. It's funny, I never realized how much I loved being outside until I moved up here and the rain put limits on that outside time. Again, I was never particularly athletic, but I loved to just BE outside. Reading a book, walking around my neighborhood, going to outdoor shows, the park, swimming at the neighborhood pool, etc. Being out today, in the crisp cool winter air, smelling the smells, seeing the sights, hearing the sounds of outside was energizing. The woods are beautiful, even though many of the trees were stripped bare, there was still much to marvel at. The day was clear enough that I could see Mount Rainier clearly as I passed the vacant lot between the houses and the condominiums. I stopped to listen to the sound of the creek as it flowed past, as well as the small waterfalls created by drainage pipes. The ducks will be out in force in the summer. some of the trees had lichen and river fern growing on their trunks, a splash of green in the midst of brown leaves and bark.

Many people were out walking their dogs, also enjoying the dry day. I stopped to take a picture of my house as it was visible from the trail. I sent Nick a text and he came out onto our back deck and waved to me, I waved back, and it made me smile.

I didn't walk super fast, but I didn't walk slow. I didn't walk as far as I've been able to in the past, another humbling reminder of how little care I have been giving myself. I managed a mile and some change though. It's a start. I will try to push a little further each time... Hopefully I'll be able to walk to the lake and back by summer, like I used to when we first moved into this house, and even as recently as a year ago. :(

I am somewhat surprised that I still have the drive and the motivation to do all this...and that this drive is as strong as it seems to be. I am famous for starting out very gung ho and with the best of intentions only to to lose momentum and focus.... depression is a bitch. So I am grateful to still feel so good. I am grateful to still have this drive and desire. I will take it a day at a time.

I have been trying to post pictures of myself post workout, and today I posted pictures I took along my walk, in an attempt to keep myself honest. It's easy to say I took a walk when I didn't... but putting up the pictures shows that I am doing more than just talking. Accountability :)

Discrepancy... and relief.

I got on my scale this morning, and it disagreed with yesterday's weigh in at the doctor's office by about 5 pounds. In fact is shows that I have even lost a bit... almost a pound, since the last time I stepped on it. It's a digital scale, and it remembers your past weight, so when you get up on there again it shows weight gains/losses after it displays total weight. It is a digital scale, as is the one at the doctor's office. My theory is that I had on heavy shoes (I was wearing bulky tennis shoes) and it was mid day, and I'd eaten, thus I weighed in about 5 pounds heavier. :)

It is also "that time of month" or soon will be... so I am sure I'm retaining fluids, so I will be interested to see if I drop water weight in the next few days.

Today is a chore day, and if the rain holds off, I will go for a walk outside after I finish cleaning, if not I will do something indoors. I also need to start working on some of my school paperwork, stuff for clinicals, Multi Care orientation stuff. Whee! :)

Doctor visit

I went to my pulmonologists appointment today (well, it was a PA, to be precise). I needed some new stuff for my breathing machine, and my Rx had expired, so I had to go in for a checkup. *sigh*

I was soundly scolded, and when he found out I was a nursing student, I was even more soundly scolded.... you know, the "you should know better, since you are going to be a health care professional" rap. I hung my head and I took it, after all I did earn it. I hadn't been in for a checkup in 3 years. As far as I could tell, everything was fine, so I didn't go, plus scheduling doctor visits around a full school schedule is difficult. But he was right. :p

I got a new mask for my breathing machine, and I will be interested to see what a difference it will make. The old mask was loud, and big and awkward, and it was difficult to sleep through the night with it. This one is much smaller, much quieter, and much lighter on my face. I really hope I sleep well tonight! LOL

I also found out a shocker. I have gained almost 57 pounds since 2008. :-/ Not thrilled about that. He explained the diet and exercise drill to me, and I listened, and sort of smiled inside because everything he told me I had already read in my recent research (thank you Jillian Michaels! hehe). But he didn't just talk. He wrote me a prescription/gave me a referral for a nutritionist. She is supposed to contact me at some point soon. I'm actually kind of excited about this. To be able to sit down and talk to someone face to face and have them help me plan meals and such.

Another suggestion I was given was to do "water walking" where I go to a pool and walk back and forth across the shallow end of a pool for an hour a session, 3 sessions a week. It burns more calories because of water temperature and increased resistance, and also gives my body buoyancy so that I can do the work painlessly. It sounds like something I can totally get behind. But I am honestly worried about the whole being seen in public in a swimsuit thing! :p Plus it costs money to swim, money we don't really have. I have heard rumors that there's a pool at PLU, they must be true since there's a swim TEAM at PLU, so perhaps when school starts, I'll carve out an hour while I'm on campus and do it there. He told me that I could conceivably lose 2 lbs a week from this. And it does seem like everytime I do regular exercise I hurt myself... :P

Hmmm... points to ponder. I think the most likely source for me to cut calories is from my drinks. I don't drink enough water. I just don't. So all the other stuff I drink adds calories to my daily intake. And definitely less sweets. *sigh*

I have noticed that I'm less stiff now that I am moving around more, and my knee isn't troubling me quite as much. These are good signs. In terms of weight loss, it is hard to say... I was down 2 pounds, now I am back up, but I am pretty sure I know what that's about, to be honest, and overeating is NOT it. I guess I'll know for sure in a week or so, if my weight goes back down.

All in all not so bad. And hey, sleep deprivation causes weight gain, maybe I'll drop a bit if I start to sleep normally again. *fingers crossed*

Good days, not so good days

Yesterday was awesome! I cleared a space in the kitchen for all of my cookbooks and odds and ends. I also got the floor swept and dishes done. I busted a major sweat, and my muscles are sore from all the squats and lifting and such... even my lower back muscles are sore.

Today was different. I woke up tired. Felt unable to wake up. Even 2 cups of coffee didn't get me rolling. When the kiddo got off to school, I lay back down and fell asleep. I ended up sleeping for about 6 hours. Did I NEED that sleep? Was I that tired? Or was it something else? I have just felt kind of blah all day today. I did manage to keep my food choices healthy.

I had a veggie sausage and egg sandwich... not vegan yet... but will be soon. Then I passed out! When I got up, I had an apple, and some yogurt and granola mixed. For dinner was a fake chicken cutlet, broccoli and green peas, washed down with water. No junk food. I've not felt the urge to snack. So there's that, and I celebrate it.

I am growing tired of the mood swings though. I have a great day, feel fine, even accomplished, and then there's a day like today. It's not the worst thing ever, I guess. And I know everyone has days like this... but when you are trying to change your outlook and change your life, days like this are all the more frustrating and harder to deal with. Ah well, it's nearly time for bed. As Scarlett O'Hara used to say... "tomorrow is another day". Here's hoping it's a good one.

Tuesday's To Do's

I finally have a profile in Kinect... a retina scan will recognize me now! :p I wanted to do the Biggest Loser Ultimate Workout yesterday, but was thwarted because the machine didn't know me. Hmm... are we headed down the path towards "The Terminator"? LOL In any case, I am set up now, so I am going to go down there and do the fitness test and let it plan a regimen for me. I will do a video diary and all that stuff, even.

I am also planning to clear out some space in the kitchen. We have a microwave stand that has a cabinet and shelf space that is, at present being occupied by a bunch of random crap. I want to clear that out and put all of my cookbooks and such in there, so they are easy to hand when I am trying to cook. That will also clear space in the bookshelf for the books that we continue to accumulate that are just kind of stacked randomly. That will feel really good, I think.

Depending on the timing, I'll see what else I can get done. So off to have a bite to eat and start the clearing project. Then work out after my food has settled.

Feelin' good today. :)

Happiness

I am feeling pretty good today. I have been active enough over the past few days, doing various things, that I have sore muscles in my arms and legs. Between the Kinect boxing and sports play, pushing a broom and dustpan around my house, and other activities, I guess I have been doing some good. Today I even snuck in some squats while scooping the litter box! LOL

I also cooked a nice dinner of spinach ravioli and a green salad, we all partook in it. It was delish.

I finished "The Happiness Project" today. Finishing it made me feel good, and I am full of ideas. I guess the one thing that's been good about my good intentions and such from the past is the accumulation of materials and such I've accumulated. I have tons of cookbooks, how to books and resource books for veganism. I have lots of books about paganism, so that I can study and practice my religion. I have a guitar and an "Idiot's Guide to Playing Guitar" for learning to how to play. I have a ton of exercise dvd's and Wii/360/Kinect games, and dumbbells and such for exercise purposes.

So I can honestly pick any number of projects to undertake and just dig right in... no need to go out and spend a bunch of money. I have also decided to actually make good on a long extended promise to help and volunteer for a friend's online non profit org.

I am feeling like I have endless possibilities, and this gives me a burst of energy and motivation. I've also been trying to spend more time with the kiddo... We all played a game, as a family after dinner tonight, and I've also just tried to spend time with her as it arises. That has felt good too.

Tomorrow the new week starts, and I have big plans for how to use my day alone. I will post my to do list tomorrow, and what I've accomplished.

Today

Today was productive. I had a bit of a slump the last couple of days. But managed to snap out of it a bit. I ventured out in the shitty weather and got some much needed errands done. Came home and relaxed for a bit. I started a twitter account. ugh. Many friends seem to be moving that way, so I started one... not sure how much I will use it though.

When the child got home, we played Kinect for a while. I played Kinect boxing and it kicked my ass! I also played table tennis. Flailing your arms around can make you winded! It was fun playing with the kiddo, too... really helped perk me up.

I dug up one of my books on veganism and I am looking at it. This is a good book. It discusses proper nutrition and even has a section on vegan athletes. I am going to go vegan again soon. Tomorrow I am going to take the shrink wrap off of my yoga dvd and give it a try. It's a Bob Harper dvd... and the yoga is supposed to also be great for weight loss , in addition to strength training. I guess we shall see.

Resolutions?

I don't do New Years Resolutions, as a rule. I always end up breaking them and then feeling like crap for doing so. But... I've been reading the Happiness Project, by Gretchen Rubin. She basically devotes a month at a time to a particular "resolution" in her quest for happiness. Of course these resolutions are cumulative, so she adds them onto each other, they don't go away at the end of the month.

I am working on decluttering and cleaning, and that's a job in and of itself. So much accumulated stuff. We aren't hoarders, we can still move around, but we have a lot of crap, and very little unused space. I am trying to fix that a bit at a time. So far I have cleaned and cleared the kitchen table, the sink and the stove. They are cleared and wiped clean. I have also tackled the living room sofa and the bistro table. I have made some inroads to clearing other areas, too. This will probably take the full month! :p

A couple of other resolutions have come to me as I have been reading the book and pondering my own project.

Reconnect with lost loves:
I used to have a serious passion for music. I was very deep into it, to the point where I knew everything there was to know about whatever bands or music types that I liked. I always had music playing somewhere. Over time, though I have become distant from it, I have lost touch with a lot of it, and I find myself in a time warp of sorts. I don't like the disconnect that is present now. Music was a lifeline and a de stresser. I need it now more than ever. Time to try to reconcile and rekindle that flame. I need to go to more shows, too. I haven't completely stopped going to shows, but they are getting few and far between. :(

I used to love to sing out loud. Of course, I used to be largely alone when I did it. I don't get much alone time these days, and I've become a bit self conscious in my old age. I need to stop worrying about that. I need to belt out a few tunes, like in the old days.

I love theatre. That has never gone away. I used to be do theatre in my younger days when I was a theatre major in my first trip through college. I want to get back to that some day, but I don't think my current school schedule will allow that. I also used to love to go to plays and revues. I think as a compromise, I need to do some more of that. Go see the local theatre scene, check out some of the burlesque shoes and other types of entertainment out there in some form or fashion. Also I need to read plays again. I love the work of Christopher Durang, I like Tony Kushner, Tennessee Williams, etc. Perhaps as a compromise, reading plays and seeing plays will hold me over until I can actually PERFORM in plays.

Those are a handful of lost loves that come to mind. A decent start.

Quit Flirting and COMMIT Already!!!!
I have always wanted to learn to play guitar. I have wanted to pick the violin back up. I have always wanted to learn to play piano. Again, with the music, LOL! I've always wanted to do yoga. I've been wanting to get fit again. I've wanted to start walking, etc. etc. I've even made some tentative moves...such as buying an acoustic guitar (now sitting in it's case just gathering dust) and a guitar for dummies book. I've made some attempts at fitness. Shit I have a crapton of exercise dvd's and weight loss books/cookbooks, and now I have wii and kinect games that help exercise.

I've wanted to go from vegetarian to completely vegan. I have cookbooks galore, I have a couple of resource books too... Time to read the resource books and research nutrition and JUST DO IT!!!

I've wanted to be an active practitioner of my religion. Again, I have a ton of books and resources... just never had the wherewithal and perhaps the courage to actually read and actively practice. Time to quit flirting and get serious.

As I have been chipping away at housework, I've notice that my daughter has been voluntarily chipping in more. She did several loads of dishes, she started the cleaning/clearing of the kitchen table, helped take down the Christmas decorations, etc. I'm not sure what is motivating her to pitch in but I welcome it. It has been a great help. It has also been nice to see that she is paying attention.