Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Independence Day

Yes, yes... I know. It's not July 4th. It's December 29th. All the same, the title of this post is apropos. I am declaring today my Independence Day because it is high time that I took that on. I rely too much on other people. I rely too much on "things". I expect people and things to make me happy. Well, just like anything else, happiness is a choice, right? No one or no thing can MAKE me happy, just as no one or no thing can MAKE me do or be anything. I have to choose it for myself. I have to BE happy.

People and things can help me be happy, that's for sure. But in the end, it's my choice to be happy. So I have to make choices that fulfill me, rather than looking for fulfillment/happiness from outside sources. If I am not a happy person to begin with...nothing will MAKE me be so.

So a new attitude/outlook I need to adopt is one like this: Cleaning house/doing laundry chores, etc. isn't FUN... no. But having a clean and tidy house that is in order makes me HAPPY!!!

Exercise, especially when you are totally NOT fit isn't FUN... in fact it is downright painful. But being fit and healthy and at my goal weight will make me HAPPY.

Studying/working isn't always FUN but having financial security will make me HAPPY.

and so on.

I think I have been looking at my struggles in the wrong way, all this time! As I said in a previous post, that the weight I carry is not just physical, but emotional. And perhaps if I attack these emotional aspects in my pursuit of happiness, other stuff will fall into place. As the emotional burden lifts, I won't feel so tired all the time... the burst of energy will come and I will get moving... Saying this, I know I need to get moving regardless... but perhaps exercise won't be so arduous if my heart and my mind is lighter.

I've never really had to be "on my own" I lived with my family in some way or other... parents, older sister, and then with my husband. Never lived alone, never had to be completely and TOTALLY responsible for myself. I always had a fallback. This fallback has become a crutch, and the crutch isn't holding me up. It hasn't in a long time. It's time to toss the crutch aside.

Today's task is to declutter...rather to start decluttering. Our lives have a lot of detritus that needs to be culled through. But it's a beginning. I will take it a day at a time. I will also get up and get moving today. Not sure what I'm going to do...but I will post about it in my next entry.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Winter Break?

Now the rush and crush of the semester is over. I am on break. I have time to breathe now. Time to rest. Time to think. Is this a good thing? I am not so sure. So far, the days have been a reality check of sorts. I am realizing just how out of control I have gotten.

I guess that one good aspect of stress and pressure is that it keeps you hopping. I was so consumed with making good grades, passing all of my classes, performing well and learning, that I put everything else aside. I had tunnel vision, I was hyperfocused, etc.

Well now that's gone. I am happy, but I also feel kind of empty. I don't know what to do with myself. I am realizing just how out of control I and my life has become. It's not a pleasant feeling. I have no real hobbies, no creative outlets. It is the wet season, so I find myself cooped up indoors more often than not. I am having weird health issues sneaking up on me. I am noticing that my strength and stamina are waning. I think this scares me more than anything.

I've never been an athlete. But I was active. If I could do nothing else, I could walk like no one's business. I could walk for miles and not get tired. I roamed all over San Francisco last year when we went for our anniversary trip. Yeah, my feet hurt, but I wasn't tired. I wasn't winded, I wasn't sore. If I tried to do that now, I don't know if I could. I don't know when I'd crap out.

My upper body strength is for shit right now also. I worry about this in terms of clinicals and working... will I be able to do transfers? Will I be able to function? This is becoming just as consuming as my weight now.

The extra weight I carry on my body is not just physical... it is also symbolic. I have lived my life carrying a lot of emotional weight. I am the strong one. I am the one who carries my own baggage, and that of others. I need to shed the weight. Not just the physical, but the emotional weight as well. If I can find a way to do that, then the pounds will come off, too, I think. I picked up a book called "The Happiness Project" today, it was recommended by a friend.

I see a lot of truth in the little bit I've seen so far. It has been a long time since I stopped to smell the roses, since I've done anything simply for fun or enjoyment. I've worked towards goals, or daydreamed about a future with happiness in it. I really think I've missed the point.

Time to try a new approach, I think.