Setback or push forward?

My labs came back, and as expected my blood sugar was high. And this was the 2nd time. So... yeah... I guess that means I have type 2 diabetes. Fabulous. :(

I am disappointed and sad. I am going to have to give up a lot of stuff I love to get my sugar under control. As well as the exercise, which I'm already doing. But give up cheese? ice cream? wha?? :( That makes me so sad!

I guess this is definitely the push I needed to go vegan. Pretty much everything I have to give up is an animal product. *sigh*

I am a bit scared because I am so horrible at taking care of myself, and so horrible at being organized, and I will NEED to be both. I already feel like I can barely handle my life at times... I'm really not thrilled to be adding this to it. I really don't want to have to take meds... I'm on enough meds already... and diabetes reacts badly with so many meds. Ugh.

Gotta reverse the numbers... Gotta keep exercising and go ahead and change the diet. Good thing I'm seeing a nutritionist in a couple weeks.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzumba!!!!

I got in on the last half of the Zumba class. HOLY CRAP!! That was a workout and a half! When I got to the gym, there was a sign saying that the class was full. Disappointed, I went and started working out on a stationary bike. I ended up doing a half hour and rode for 4 miles, burned 100-ish calories. Then went to the front desk to get a towel, and asked the lady on duty how early a girl had to be to get in the class. She told me, but then she told me there had been several no shows, so I could just go on in and give it a whirl. So I did...

I felt like a bull in a china shop, not very graceful or coordinated, but I will work on that. I hope to get better. I definitely got in a good workout. If you sweat buckets, you're burning fat, rite?? I was pouring sweat!! POOOUUURING! :P I need a shower. I'm gross. But I feel good. I am going to join the gym. I'll sign up tomorrow or Wednesday.

Feelin' good, albeit not very graceful or coordinated!

Workout!!!!

Went to Kentwood High tennis courts and hit some tennis balls around with Nick and Sophia. I have really lost my hustle. I will get it back though. I would have to sit down every 10-15 minutes or so, as tennis playing is like sprinting; very high intensity. But I kept at it. We stayed for about an hour. Then Nick and Sophia worked on some volleyball drills while I hit tennis balls against the backboard. The sun was out and we were sweating like pigs.

We then went to Starbucks for a brief break, and then headed across the street to the gym. We did about 5 minutes on the stairstepper/elliptical combo machine, then we went to the resistance machines and did 10-20 reps on each machine...just sort of getting acquainted with them. I guess I'll know if I got a good resistance workout if I have sore guns tomorrow. LOL We worked arms pretty much. Then we hit the exercise bikes and spent about 20 minutes on them. I rode about 2 1/2 miles. Not sure how many calories I burned, probably not too many as we didn't really stay at any one machine... but it was still a workout. I was all sweaty and funky and such. Not bad for my first gym workout.

I'm feelin' the endorphins, for sure! Off to a good start, Sophia had fun, I had fun, and the hour went by faster than expected.

I am posting this to get it out of me and into the universe... I am aware that many of these fears are probably baseless and even irrational, but they are still very real to me. (Gotta love anxiety). So I want to address them.

I fear finding out just how far I've fallen, and how out of shape I've become. I fear being the one everyone laughs at in the gym. I know this particular fear is dumb. I know what Iv'e become, I also know that I'm there to become something else. Knowing this is what I will cling to when I see someone staring at me, or when my mind plays tricks on me and tries to sabotage me. I am there to make a positive change in my life. I am there to finally have the body I am supposed to have. I will get there. It may take a long time, butI will get there.

I am afraid of the process. I am going to be doing some serious sould searchiing, opening emotional doors long locked and abandoned, and dealing with the demons that I stuffed down and medicated with food. I'm afraid of learning a whole new lifestyle and the work that entails. I am not a cook, never really learned. I will have to start from scratch. Learning how to cook, plan nutritious meals, etc. I have some basis in this, but expanding the repertoire, learning a whole new way of life. It's exciting, but also scary. It will be a step towards normalcy. LOL!!

I'm afraid of failing, of giving up before I reach my goal. I am the queen of not finishing what I started. I started "college" when I was 19. I didn't get my associates degree until I was 39. I have a year and a half left. I am doing well so far, but there are so many ways to mess up. So many ways to fail. I hear horror stories of peopl egetting flunked out or dismissed from the program, etc. One person got flunked out in the LAST weeks of his LAST semester before graduation. I don't want that to be me. it CAN'T be me!

To succeed:

I have to push past the fears. Remember why I'm doing this in the first place. Channel the perserverance I know I have. That's what pushes me through all the scary stuff I do.
Focus, focus FOCUS!!! No distractions, no escuses. This is my life. This is the ultimate way to show that I can indeed take care of myself. Without the help of anyone else, or in spite of the apathy of others.

Next update will be post gym workout!

7 Day Pass, Activate!

I almost chickened out, but I went in today on the last day I could redeem the pass I signed up for at the gym. The fine print said that kids 12 and over (with parent) can also have one, so we got her one and she will be my workout buddy. We took the guided tour, and Sophia was pretty stoked about using the equipment and stuffs, her enthusiasm is infectious. We'll see how it goes.

Tomorrow we make our debut.

Productive day, sort of...

I have made some calls today. I am having a physical on Monday morning, I am going to see a nutritionist in July (the soonest appointment I could get). And I have a message in to a therapist to have a consultation and maybe start counseling.

I have needed to do this for so long. But for whatever reason, I thought I was a big girl and could do this by myself. Or maybe it is just another by product of my depression, feeling so worthless that I didn't even have the energy, strength, or desire to make these calls on my own behalf.

I am tired of scraping by. I'm tired of not trusting myself, not loving myself, and not treating myself well. I have wasted so much time being this way. (and I don't just mean overweight)... I am tired of running away from myself... avoiding my issues and hiding. I can try any diet/exercise plan in the world, and it won't work or help me until I get my mind right. Hence the counseling. The nutritionist will help me have a healthy vegetarian diet, and the physical will tell me just how far I have fallen, and how much work I need to do to get back up to par. And also so my heart doesn't explode from me overestimating my fitnes level. :p

I have the summer off from school. Only gonna be working. Must make the most of this time so I can be in a better place when school resumes.

I am strong and I am capable!

Things to be proud of:

I made good grades this semester. I got my first A in nursing school, and the rest of my grades were B's. I did this in spite of feeling disorganized and 5 steps behind at all times, as well as anxious.

I was able to complete 2 clinical rotations, doing full 8 hour shifts at a mental health facility and a hospital. I learned many new skills, gave subcutaneous (under the skin) injections to real live patients of actual medications. I took out cathethers and IV's, and performed good patient care. I learne many new skills in a simulator/lab setting as well.

I got A's on 3 out of 4 final exams, too! Scholastically I did very well. I should be very proud of that.

I drove to Vashon Island and back by myself. This is a biggie for me because I have driving anxiety. I am able to function... and when I absolutely HAVE to go somewhere I can do it...but it's a very tense and stressful affair. Going to school in Tacoma, and various clinical sites has pushed me to drive more and further than I've had to in the past... and when I don't have to drive... I usually don't. I let my husband drive when we venture out together and such. This was the first time I have gone on the ferry alone. I had a nice long visit with a dear friend, and I felt pretty empowered when it was done. The weather was horrible on the drive there, rain and traffic made it challenging to read the road signs on the freeway, but I did it, and didn't crash my car or have a heart attack! I really hate having anxiety. I wish I didn't have it. :( I've been kind of lax with my meds too... So many other things going on, I have been forgetting it a fair bit. :-/

My goals for the rest of the week are:

To get my kitchen cleared and cleaned. I need to make the space clear and friendly for me to use. So I need counterspace and I need my refrigerator cleaned out, so I can cook meals ahead of time and store them for heat and eat later.

To do some form of exercise for 30-45 minutes a day... be it walking, Wii fit, a workout dvd or whatever. I would LOVE to go outside, but the weather is being VERY uncooperative right now. So sick of the rain! :p

In the next 2 weeks I hope to lose 2-5 pounds. (a conservative estimate... I'll take a bigger number if I get it! )

Do something fun and that I enjoy every day. All work and no play makes Gigi...something something! ;)