I am posting this to get it out of me and into the universe... I am aware that many of these fears are probably baseless and even irrational, but they are still very real to me. (Gotta love anxiety). So I want to address them.

I fear finding out just how far I've fallen, and how out of shape I've become. I fear being the one everyone laughs at in the gym. I know this particular fear is dumb. I know what Iv'e become, I also know that I'm there to become something else. Knowing this is what I will cling to when I see someone staring at me, or when my mind plays tricks on me and tries to sabotage me. I am there to make a positive change in my life. I am there to finally have the body I am supposed to have. I will get there. It may take a long time, butI will get there.

I am afraid of the process. I am going to be doing some serious sould searchiing, opening emotional doors long locked and abandoned, and dealing with the demons that I stuffed down and medicated with food. I'm afraid of learning a whole new lifestyle and the work that entails. I am not a cook, never really learned. I will have to start from scratch. Learning how to cook, plan nutritious meals, etc. I have some basis in this, but expanding the repertoire, learning a whole new way of life. It's exciting, but also scary. It will be a step towards normalcy. LOL!!

I'm afraid of failing, of giving up before I reach my goal. I am the queen of not finishing what I started. I started "college" when I was 19. I didn't get my associates degree until I was 39. I have a year and a half left. I am doing well so far, but there are so many ways to mess up. So many ways to fail. I hear horror stories of peopl egetting flunked out or dismissed from the program, etc. One person got flunked out in the LAST weeks of his LAST semester before graduation. I don't want that to be me. it CAN'T be me!

To succeed:

I have to push past the fears. Remember why I'm doing this in the first place. Channel the perserverance I know I have. That's what pushes me through all the scary stuff I do.
Focus, focus FOCUS!!! No distractions, no escuses. This is my life. This is the ultimate way to show that I can indeed take care of myself. Without the help of anyone else, or in spite of the apathy of others.

Next update will be post gym workout!