Sad fat

My fat is crying!

Before pic

Taken in Austin June of 2012.

Motivation... Let's Do This

It is time to stop playing at changing my life, and to just do it.  I have been waffling about, back and forth with this blog, and with my life for too long now.  I am 42 years old, about 100 pounds overweight, and now I am hyperglycemic.  I have had tests done, and my blood sugar is higher than it should be, but thus far my doctor doesn't want to start me on medications, he wants me to change my lifestyle and eating habits, and see if that doesn't reverse it.

This is actually old news.  I have been like this for about a year now.  I had started seeing a dietitian, I had been exercising and had managed to lose a little bit of weight (about 10 pounds, nothing too crazy), but then, as seems to be my style, I petered out. I like to joke that I am the perfect embodiment of entropy.  I will take all these steps and get organized and have everything set up as I want it, but then over time, things start to slide out of control again.  A neat and tidy desk becomes a cluttered mess, a clean house also becomes a cluttered mess, and my great and wonderful, wise health and life choices become chaos. For the past 2 1/2 years I have been hyperfocused on nursing school.  I spent inordinate amounts of time sitting in my study chair reading textbooks and powerpoints, working on group projects, studying for exams and trying to get through all the fairly challenging classes that come with school.

I have been very fortunate to have a supportive partner who has allowed me to do this, by stepping up and filling my shoes with cooking meals, taking our daughter to her extracurricular activities and athletic practices, and other such things that traditionally would fall to me.  However, in some ways this has enabled me to be sedentary. Summers and holiday breaks don't see me getting out of my chair to be super active.  I sit in my chair and read fun, fiction, and non text books, or surfing the internet, when I should be up and about, playing outside and getting some damn exercise.  Motivation tends to be lacking.... and there has also been a toll taken on my body and my psyche.  I am physically tired, and I feel overwhelmed when I contemplate what I need to do to reverse the damage I have done to myself.

This has become ever so painfully obvious with the starting of my job as a nurse tech at a local hospital. I am finding the work to be extremely physically challenging.  12 hour shifts leave me sore, stiff and exhausted, physically; overwhelmed, stressed, and drained emotionally.  It has been very humbling.  I have been working for about a month, orienting, and there have been more than my share of moments that I have questioned whether or not I am physically able to do this job, which leads to doubts about whether I will be able to even function as a nurse in a hospital med/surg or ER setting, much less be good at it.  I don't want to fail. I don't want this to end me.  I have put too much time and money and effort into school and clinicals, and am doing the same at my job, I would be devastated emotionally and financially if I can't get through this.I have the stamina, this I know, because I have been able to work the shifts and see them through.  It's been rather grueling, though... and I hope to get to a point where it is tiring, yes, but not horrifically so.  At present, I require a whole day to recover from working multiple shifts.  A whole day of essentially just sitting around and letting the soreness and pain ebb away from my legs/feet/back... damn lactic acid buildup! :p A whole day of this, before I can really try to do much physical activity.  I also need to move faster.  I feel very heavy and clumsy and kind of like a bull in a china shop right now.  I have no hustle in my muscle. I am also painfully aware that I have very little upper body strength, which is something I need to cultivate for patient transfers and turns, hefting heavy linen and garbage bags into the dumpsters, and such things.

The only way this is going to change is if I start working out.  I need cardio to improve my cardiovascular fitness and to burn all this extra fat, I need resistance and strength training to get stronger and build back my muscle.  I need to make healthier food choices to get my blood sugar back in check and to also lose some of this extra fat.

I went to see my sister in Austin, TX in June.  I was there for 3 weeks, and starting then, and continuing with starting my job, I have lost about 10 pounds.  I ate better, and not as often when I was with my sister.  Since I have been back, I haven't entirely slipped into old habits. I have been leaving food on my plate where before I'd clean it (large portions), and I am not eating as much in a day (especially on work days).  Between the decreased food intake (and healthier choices... they have a bomb salad bar at the hospital cafeteria) and the increased activity of working mostly 12 hour shifts, I have continued to lose weight.  But now, I need to add exercise to the mix.  I need to get better at organizing my time and prioritizing exercise, fitting it into my lifestyle.

I really wish  I had a workout buddy to keep me company and to keep me honest and accountable.  I don't, however.  So I started this blog, and well... we've seen how well that's worked out.  :p LOL!  I'm not giving up though dammit! I am going to dust this off and try again.  So to that end, I am stating goals for today.  Today I want to do a 20 minute high intensity cardio workout on my treadmill.  I also want to do some weight training on my upper body, and I wouldn't mind doing a bit of yoga to stretch and limber up.  This may sound like a lot to tackle in one day, but I actually did this when I was taking PE in my J Term class.  Did it daily for a month, and lost 10 pounds in that month.  So I can do it.  If I do, that would get me to a 20 pound loss by the time school starts, and I'll also be more physically fit... my heart will be healthier and all that good stuff.

I am working now, so I have a bit more money to spend.  I think next check I may try to purchase some time with a personal trainer, so I can further have someone to be accountable to, and have a specific exercise prescription for my needs.  To quote L'Oreal... "I'm worth it!"

I have installed the Blogger app on my phone, so I will post a current pic of me for my "before" picture.  And I will post pictures as I go to show the results I am getting from my efforts.  I really want to do this.  I'm finally scared enough and at my "rock bottom" weight and health wise.    If anyone is interested in being my workout/walking/hiking/maybe running buddy, let me know.  I'd love to have company, a coach, an inspiration, etc.

Today's workout

Class was cancelled... Instructor couldn't get there in time... I saw her later and she said she had 2 flat tires when she went to her car to come to PLU. She wanted us to work out on our own. After a brief internal struggle, I decided to be good and go to the fitness center. I got on the treadmill and tried the workout Erin (the instructor) had showed me yesterday. I did 4 cycles of high intensity interval cardio. Holy shit! I was sweating like a pig, red faced, and totally out of breath, but I did it! So there's that. :) burned 538 calories in the process! Go me!

Yoga today was difficult, but certain aspects are actually getting a little easier, and I felt loose and limber (not flexible...no, but not stiff either). It was kinda nice. At the end of week 2, I am sore... and uncomfortable. But not as much as I was last week. So there's a little progress. I also have lost a li'l weight. So go me again! :)

Today's adventure

Today we did physical fitness testing and it was a definite wake up call! In one minute I did 24 push ups (against the wall). In another minute I did 16 crunches. My core has gotten so weak, I couldn't pull up into a full sit-up! And I did 3 pull ups with a LOT of help (my instructor half pushing me, and with bands). Ugh! I have my work cut out!

After we finished the physical fitness test we were left to our own devices, so a classmate and I asked her to give us a workout to do. She had us grab medicine balls, led us to the gym and had us do wall-balls. It's a crossfit exercise, where basically you go into a squat, and push up, tossing the medicine ball high up above you as you come up, then catch the ball, going back into a squat. Holy crap that's hard! She told us to do 5 sets me 15 reps, and my better conditioned friend had to do 30 reps. I managed to finish 3 complete sets, and the squats portion of a 4th set before she called time.

I am still logging in my food, I put in the workout as best I could. No cardio today, so no idea how many calories I burned. I am already feeling a li'l sore. Tomorrow should be interesting. We didn't do any yoga today, we watched a dvd. :p tomorrow should be interesting. We are already almost halfway through j term. Wow!

And time goes by.....

My last entry was in August eh? Not surprising. School came back into session and everything just... stopped. I was all about just studying and more studying. I lived in my armchair when I wasn't in class or clinical. I've been wrestling all the same demons that I have since this blog's inception. Honestly nothing much has changed. But it has.

I have been seeing my therapist for a few months now. I like her, she's very nice and calming and I feel safe with her. I am back on my meds, and I really need to stay on them. I'm utterly useless without them for much besides basic life sustaining functions. :p

I am also in school again, but not taking nursing classes. I had a couple of li'l ol' general university requirements to satisfy, so during J term I'm taking 2 PE classes. One is a personal fitness class, the other is a yoga class. Today was my first full on workout in both classes, oh my gawd. First she timed us doing the mile and a half. I finished last, this was no surprise. My time wasn't great..again no surprise. BUT On the positve side, I did all 6 laps without stopping. I ran a little, but walked fast most of the time. The instructor said she'd seen worse. But I guess most notable at all, I didn't get frustrated, angry or upset. No tears! :) After that she had us do 50 each of pushups, situps and squats. I got through the pushups, and half of the squats before she called time. (modified wall pushups..but that's a good way to do it!)

Then there was a loooong break, followed by yoga. I got through that too. She took it easy on us today, I'm thinking tomorrow is gonna be harder, so we'll see how that goes. I am tired and I'm already starting to get sore, but I felt good having finished all that. I felt a little more alert on the drive home. I guess I had a taste of the endorphin rush.

In the course of all of this though, it struck me just how powerful dissasociation is. I mean, it's common knowledge taught in mental health class and all, that it is extremely powerful. And I know that I've experienced it first hand in my life, but it really kind of hit home today. I felt very stiff and inflexible when I tried to run. It was hard for me to move. I have so much weight on me, for the first time I really truly felt it. I was a little shocked. I mean, I know that I'm far from physically fit. But somehow in my mind/imagination/dreams, I was still fluid when I moved. I didn't feel so much like a bull in a china shop. I didn't realize I was so limited. It was an eye opener.

Another realization I made is that I've really never been particularly fit. Not even in my super skinny days. I've NEVER done well at the mile and a half. I've always come in last. I never really exercised either. I was active... I walked everywhere! But I never exercised once I got out of PE.

So now it seems I've come full circle. I'm almost 42 years old and taking PE again! Which while it's extremely annoying, I am also seeing it as an opportunity. I am forced to work out 4 days a week in yoga and 2 of the 4 in PE 100. I am going from zero to 60 (sort of) so I imagine I'll see *some* change in a month. I may drop a few pounds, I may be able to run a few laps of the mile and a half at the end. I guess that remains to be seen. But I am hoping to ride the momentum of these classes and continue to work out on my own, and then see some REAL results. I want my life and my body back. I want to *care* for the sick, not actually BE sick! :p

On the drive home, I saw, and in fact drove underneath the arch of a rainbow. I am hoping it's a good sign. It's a new year... will there be a new me?

Release the Floodgates!

I am feeling better at this moment in time than I have felt in a very long time. The food log makes counting calories/carbs so much easier, and it's helped me lose weight. So far I'm holding at 6 pounds lost, but I haven't gained anything back... I have also been much more active. Been taking walks on the beach, in the woods, through the park, etc, and just getting up and getting out and around. I have never considered myself any sort of hermit, but the past few weeks have kind of shown me that I have been in fact quite reclusive.

Depression sort of seems to build on itself. The more I stayed inside and just sat, the worse it got. But I've been out and around, going to events that I have never been to before, seeing sights that I've not seen in 15 years of living here. Having an outlet for stress, such as not sitting around the house and brooding about things, has made a huge difference. The most notable being that I am taking an interest in myself and my surroundings again.

I actually went out and bought a couple of tubes of lipstick, for one thing.Lipstick used to be my trademark... if I wore no other makeup (and often that was the case)I'd have some color on my lips. Not sure when, or why...but I stopped wearing it. I am wearing it again, or at least lip gloss. I got a new pair of snazzy sunglasses. I re-pierced my ears after years upon years, maybe even a decade plus without them. I honestly don't think I have worn earrings in Sophia's lifetime (until now) and she's 12. I bought new lingerie, something else that's pretty rare for me anymore, I bought a pair of cute denim shorts, some cute flip flops, and colored my hair back to my old friend ginger. I make a pretty good redhead, but I got away from that color because it would get all brassy and gross. But I have come back!

I am also back to trying to get some chores done, instead of sitting and ignoring my surroundings. I have been making morning coffee, being the first one up, and just feeling more crisp, clear and alert. I think all the steps I've taken; getting back on consistent meds schedule, watching my food intake closely, and of course re starting counseling/therapy, are starting to pay off. I'm starting to feel/see results. No matter what the scale says, my tummy is shrinking. My knees don't hurt anymore when I take the stairs. I don't lumber around like a bull in a china shop anymore there's a spring in my step. Small things are adding up to a pretty big thing. :)

I am discovering just how social an animal I really am, not so crippled by the shyness that has wrapped me like a cloak for most of my life. I am still new to all this. I am still scared. I still worry too much about silly things. But I am doing so much better now than I have in such a long time. I daresay that at this moment I am..... happy!