Thursday, January 5, 2012

And time goes by.....

My last entry was in August eh? Not surprising. School came back into session and everything just... stopped. I was all about just studying and more studying. I lived in my armchair when I wasn't in class or clinical. I've been wrestling all the same demons that I have since this blog's inception. Honestly nothing much has changed. But it has.

I have been seeing my therapist for a few months now. I like her, she's very nice and calming and I feel safe with her. I am back on my meds, and I really need to stay on them. I'm utterly useless without them for much besides basic life sustaining functions. :p

I am also in school again, but not taking nursing classes. I had a couple of li'l ol' general university requirements to satisfy, so during J term I'm taking 2 PE classes. One is a personal fitness class, the other is a yoga class. Today was my first full on workout in both classes, oh my gawd. First she timed us doing the mile and a half. I finished last, this was no surprise. My time wasn't great..again no surprise. BUT On the positve side, I did all 6 laps without stopping. I ran a little, but walked fast most of the time. The instructor said she'd seen worse. But I guess most notable at all, I didn't get frustrated, angry or upset. No tears! :) After that she had us do 50 each of pushups, situps and squats. I got through the pushups, and half of the squats before she called time. (modified wall pushups..but that's a good way to do it!)

Then there was a loooong break, followed by yoga. I got through that too. She took it easy on us today, I'm thinking tomorrow is gonna be harder, so we'll see how that goes. I am tired and I'm already starting to get sore, but I felt good having finished all that. I felt a little more alert on the drive home. I guess I had a taste of the endorphin rush.

In the course of all of this though, it struck me just how powerful dissasociation is. I mean, it's common knowledge taught in mental health class and all, that it is extremely powerful. And I know that I've experienced it first hand in my life, but it really kind of hit home today. I felt very stiff and inflexible when I tried to run. It was hard for me to move. I have so much weight on me, for the first time I really truly felt it. I was a little shocked. I mean, I know that I'm far from physically fit. But somehow in my mind/imagination/dreams, I was still fluid when I moved. I didn't feel so much like a bull in a china shop. I didn't realize I was so limited. It was an eye opener.

Another realization I made is that I've really never been particularly fit. Not even in my super skinny days. I've NEVER done well at the mile and a half. I've always come in last. I never really exercised either. I was active... I walked everywhere! But I never exercised once I got out of PE.

So now it seems I've come full circle. I'm almost 42 years old and taking PE again! Which while it's extremely annoying, I am also seeing it as an opportunity. I am forced to work out 4 days a week in yoga and 2 of the 4 in PE 100. I am going from zero to 60 (sort of) so I imagine I'll see *some* change in a month. I may drop a few pounds, I may be able to run a few laps of the mile and a half at the end. I guess that remains to be seen. But I am hoping to ride the momentum of these classes and continue to work out on my own, and then see some REAL results. I want my life and my body back. I want to *care* for the sick, not actually BE sick! :p

On the drive home, I saw, and in fact drove underneath the arch of a rainbow. I am hoping it's a good sign. It's a new year... will there be a new me?

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