That line from "Dune" (by Frank Herbert, great book, I highly recommend it) came to my mind today. My last workout was August 29th, a day short of 2 weeks ago. I've been wrestling with myself about it, like I do. I would continually argue with myself about it, tell myself I was going to do it, and then... didn't do it. School preparation was a factor, had to run around turning in this bit of paperwork here, buy my books, there, do this or that online orientation module, etc. but that only figured in a little bit.
I am prone to anxiety. I don't have panic attacks per se, not the stereotypical hyperventilation episodes, feeling of impending doom... but I do get scared, terrified sometimes, and it paralyzes me. I think I enumerated some of my greatest fears and concerns in previous entries, so I am not going to go into them again here (you're welcome! ;) ) But suffice it to say, it can be crippling. So as I sat here today trying to psyche myself into working out... yet AGAIN (this is a daily battle, and I think I win about as often as I lose, so far) that line passed through my brain. I did a quick inventory of my concerns specific to working out (knowing it was going to seriously kick my ass an not wanting to deal with that, mostly) and just made myself get up and do it.
In light of my current situation healthwise, and the fact that I'm in my last semester of school and I don't want ANYTHING to fuck that up or delay it, I got out of my chair and took care of business. Got a pretty decent result out of it, too, in terms of calories burned. My schedule this semester is the most flexible it's ever been, in terms of being able to fit in exercise, there really is no reason for me not to.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Friday, September 7, 2012
Rude Awakening, Frustration, and A Little Fear
I've been a bit stalled in my workouts. August 29th was the last one. I am ending that today. Once I write this, I am going to suit up and do a run. This weekend I want to go on a hike and take the family with me. I've wanted to hike since moving here nearly 17 years ago. I've sort of kind of half ass done it, but not seriously. I am going to do it now though, so I can do it at least once before the weather goes to hell.
I don't know what happened. I had some good momentum, and then just kind of stalled. I'm still struggling a bit with motivation, but it's an ongoing learning process, and I'll keep working at it.
Yesterday was a bit of a rude awakening. I went and did a glucometer training for clinicals and we had to poke each others fingers to use the machine. I was dreading that, because I knew mine would be high, and I really wasn't keen on any of my classmates seeing that, I will just go ahead and admit that now. And I was right. It was high. Really high. Not gonna say the number, just suffice it to say, I should probably see a doctor and deal with it, soon. I already knew I was hyperglycemic, but now I might actually need meds, and be full on diabetic. I mentioned in a previous entry, I think, that I had bought a book that basically advocates a vegan diet for controlling and possibly reversing diabetes. I have sort of read it in fits and starts, but after yesterdays shenanigans, I picked it up and started to give it a serious look. I am going to go back to being a vegan, and give this a try. I was vegan for about 4 months a few years back, and in that time I lost a lot of weight, and noticed a lot of other positive changes as well. I stopped though, and let dairy and eggs back into my life because I was really pitiful at preparing balanced meals for myself and so negative things happened, like my hair falling out and dry patches of skin and such. So this time, I will have to be much better about meal preparation and planning, and learn my way around the kitchen, and figure out how to effectively press ALLL the damn water out of the tofu before I cook it.
I have been sharing some of my struggles, and I've been sharing this blog with friends on facebook, in an effort to hold myself accountable and also in some way to seek support. The friends I have on fb are people that I feel fairly close to, for the most part. I don't just go around randomly friending people I don't know. They are people I know personally, and some that I've never met face to face, but have had extended interactions with them over a period of years that I met at another place. I know there are varying schools of thought about veganism, and I know that it's not for everyone. I am not going to try to rope my carnivorous kid into doing it with me, but I will try to feed her some of the things I cook. And I know it's a lost cause to try to get my husband to do it. Not even gonna go there. What I find frustrating, are the people who feel that it is totally fine, even funny to chime in to mock my lifestyle choice. I am adopting a vegan diet, at the moment. The lifestyle will follow. When I said that I was going vegan, one of my friends asked "What are your shoes made out of?" That was all she had to say. Well to answer that question, I mostly wear Chucks, flip flops and shoes made of man made materials, thanks. I do have leather shoes in my closet from shoe purchases over the years, but haven't bought anything leather in some time. That's not the point though. I am trying to make a healthy lifestyle choice, to try to manage and reverse a potentially serious disease. I am trying to finally step up to the plate and care about myself, and put my own needs first. I am also eating a little closer to my heart. I know that there are some things that I will probably do or products that I will use that incorporate animals, because it is unavoidable. But as far as everything else, where I have a CHOICE I am going to CHOOSE vegan.
I have had to listen to many and more jokes about vegetarianism/veganism over the years. I have had carnivores wave meat in my face and tell me, leering.. "you know you want a nice juicy steak". Other things cloaked in humor and called jokes that are at times quite hostile and derisive. I know that there has been this ongoing battle between vegetarians and omnivores, but I don't partake in it. I don't mock, dismiss, or disrespect anyone's diet choices. When asked why I eat the way I do, I explain my feelings and beliefs about it, and try to educate...but I never judge anyone. Why do others feel so free to judge me, or try to call me out as a hypocrite or test if I'm a "true vegan" by questioning my wardrobe choices? Is it a guilty conscience? Do they feel self conscious about their choice to eat/use animal products? It is just another in a long list of examples of singling out someone who doesn't conform, and I'm really kinda tired of it. You do you, and I'll do me. I'm kind of over laughing this stuff off, don't think I'm gonna do it anymore. I'm also not going to engage in facebook drama, but I am really a fan of the whole, if you can't say something nice... don't say anything at all, school of thought. Constructive criticism is fine, it can be delivered in a caring tone, and does't have to be mean. Too many people are rude and hide it under the umbrella of "constructive criticism".
As to the fear mentioned in the title, I admit being scared. Diabetes is no joke. I never thought that this would be me. I worry about the progression of the disease, I worry about this not working, and having to deal with the complications that come with it. My health has really gone to crap in the past few years, for a lot of reasons. I have read and seen that it can be controlled, even reversed, and I am praying to the god and goddess that I can reverse this with a lifestyle change...diet/lifestyle/weight loss and management. Support is welcomed, needed, even. Drama, not so much.
Rant over. Time to get sweaty.
I don't know what happened. I had some good momentum, and then just kind of stalled. I'm still struggling a bit with motivation, but it's an ongoing learning process, and I'll keep working at it.
Yesterday was a bit of a rude awakening. I went and did a glucometer training for clinicals and we had to poke each others fingers to use the machine. I was dreading that, because I knew mine would be high, and I really wasn't keen on any of my classmates seeing that, I will just go ahead and admit that now. And I was right. It was high. Really high. Not gonna say the number, just suffice it to say, I should probably see a doctor and deal with it, soon. I already knew I was hyperglycemic, but now I might actually need meds, and be full on diabetic. I mentioned in a previous entry, I think, that I had bought a book that basically advocates a vegan diet for controlling and possibly reversing diabetes. I have sort of read it in fits and starts, but after yesterdays shenanigans, I picked it up and started to give it a serious look. I am going to go back to being a vegan, and give this a try. I was vegan for about 4 months a few years back, and in that time I lost a lot of weight, and noticed a lot of other positive changes as well. I stopped though, and let dairy and eggs back into my life because I was really pitiful at preparing balanced meals for myself and so negative things happened, like my hair falling out and dry patches of skin and such. So this time, I will have to be much better about meal preparation and planning, and learn my way around the kitchen, and figure out how to effectively press ALLL the damn water out of the tofu before I cook it.
I have been sharing some of my struggles, and I've been sharing this blog with friends on facebook, in an effort to hold myself accountable and also in some way to seek support. The friends I have on fb are people that I feel fairly close to, for the most part. I don't just go around randomly friending people I don't know. They are people I know personally, and some that I've never met face to face, but have had extended interactions with them over a period of years that I met at another place. I know there are varying schools of thought about veganism, and I know that it's not for everyone. I am not going to try to rope my carnivorous kid into doing it with me, but I will try to feed her some of the things I cook. And I know it's a lost cause to try to get my husband to do it. Not even gonna go there. What I find frustrating, are the people who feel that it is totally fine, even funny to chime in to mock my lifestyle choice. I am adopting a vegan diet, at the moment. The lifestyle will follow. When I said that I was going vegan, one of my friends asked "What are your shoes made out of?" That was all she had to say. Well to answer that question, I mostly wear Chucks, flip flops and shoes made of man made materials, thanks. I do have leather shoes in my closet from shoe purchases over the years, but haven't bought anything leather in some time. That's not the point though. I am trying to make a healthy lifestyle choice, to try to manage and reverse a potentially serious disease. I am trying to finally step up to the plate and care about myself, and put my own needs first. I am also eating a little closer to my heart. I know that there are some things that I will probably do or products that I will use that incorporate animals, because it is unavoidable. But as far as everything else, where I have a CHOICE I am going to CHOOSE vegan.
I have had to listen to many and more jokes about vegetarianism/veganism over the years. I have had carnivores wave meat in my face and tell me, leering.. "you know you want a nice juicy steak". Other things cloaked in humor and called jokes that are at times quite hostile and derisive. I know that there has been this ongoing battle between vegetarians and omnivores, but I don't partake in it. I don't mock, dismiss, or disrespect anyone's diet choices. When asked why I eat the way I do, I explain my feelings and beliefs about it, and try to educate...but I never judge anyone. Why do others feel so free to judge me, or try to call me out as a hypocrite or test if I'm a "true vegan" by questioning my wardrobe choices? Is it a guilty conscience? Do they feel self conscious about their choice to eat/use animal products? It is just another in a long list of examples of singling out someone who doesn't conform, and I'm really kinda tired of it. You do you, and I'll do me. I'm kind of over laughing this stuff off, don't think I'm gonna do it anymore. I'm also not going to engage in facebook drama, but I am really a fan of the whole, if you can't say something nice... don't say anything at all, school of thought. Constructive criticism is fine, it can be delivered in a caring tone, and does't have to be mean. Too many people are rude and hide it under the umbrella of "constructive criticism".
As to the fear mentioned in the title, I admit being scared. Diabetes is no joke. I never thought that this would be me. I worry about the progression of the disease, I worry about this not working, and having to deal with the complications that come with it. My health has really gone to crap in the past few years, for a lot of reasons. I have read and seen that it can be controlled, even reversed, and I am praying to the god and goddess that I can reverse this with a lifestyle change...diet/lifestyle/weight loss and management. Support is welcomed, needed, even. Drama, not so much.
Rant over. Time to get sweaty.
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