A year? Really?

I know I have been gone for a while, but a year?   Damn.  I picked up on working out again yesterday.   Working out being walks at present.  I did about 5 miles total yesterday and today.  Planning some yoga in a bit.  My stress levels are ridiculous and I need to find a way to deal.  My health is gonna suffer. 

Not going to make a super long entry here, but I am weighing in at about 240 right now.  Short term goal to get down to 200... Then set new goal.  I need to lose about 80 pounds. 

Fear Is the Mind Killer

That line from "Dune" (by Frank Herbert, great book, I highly recommend it) came to my mind today.  My last workout was August 29th, a day short of 2 weeks ago.  I've been wrestling with myself about it, like I do.  I would continually argue with myself about it, tell myself I was going to do it, and then... didn't do it.  School preparation was a factor, had to run around turning in this bit of paperwork here, buy my books, there, do this or that online orientation module, etc.  but that only figured in a little bit.

I am prone to anxiety.  I don't have panic attacks per se, not the stereotypical hyperventilation episodes, feeling of impending doom... but I do get scared, terrified sometimes, and it paralyzes me.  I think I enumerated some of my greatest fears and concerns in previous entries, so I am not going to go into them again here (you're welcome! ;)  )  But suffice it to say, it can be crippling.  So as I sat here today trying to psyche myself into working out... yet AGAIN  (this is a daily battle, and I think I win about as often as I lose, so far) that line passed through my brain. I did a quick inventory of my concerns specific to working out (knowing it was going to seriously kick my ass an not wanting to deal with that, mostly) and just made myself get up and do it.

In light of my current situation healthwise, and the fact that I'm in my last semester of school and I don't want ANYTHING to fuck that up or delay it, I got out of my chair and took care of business. Got a pretty decent result out of it, too, in terms of calories burned.  My schedule this semester is the most flexible it's ever been, in terms of being able to fit in exercise, there really is no reason for me not to.

Rude Awakening, Frustration, and A Little Fear

I've been a bit stalled in my workouts. August 29th was the last one.  I am ending that today.  Once I write this, I am going to suit up and do a run. This weekend I want to go on a hike and take the family with me. I've wanted to hike since moving here nearly 17 years ago. I've sort of kind of half ass done it, but not seriously.  I am going to do it now though, so I can do it at least once before the weather goes to hell.
I don't know what happened.  I had some good momentum, and then just kind of stalled.  I'm still struggling a bit with motivation, but it's an ongoing learning process, and I'll keep working at it.

Yesterday was a bit of a rude awakening.  I went and did a glucometer training for clinicals and we had to poke each others fingers to use the machine.  I was dreading that, because I knew mine would be high, and I really wasn't keen on any of my classmates seeing that, I will just go ahead and admit that now.  And I was right.  It was high.  Really high.  Not gonna say the number, just suffice it to say, I should probably see a doctor and deal with it, soon.  I already knew I was hyperglycemic, but now I might actually need meds, and be full on diabetic. I mentioned in a previous entry, I think, that I had bought a book that basically advocates a vegan diet for controlling and possibly reversing diabetes.  I have sort of read it in fits and starts, but after yesterdays shenanigans, I picked it up and started to give it a serious look.  I am going to go back to being a vegan, and give this a try.  I was vegan for about 4 months a few years back, and in that time I lost a lot of weight, and noticed a lot of other positive changes as well.  I stopped though, and let dairy and eggs back into my life because I was really pitiful at preparing balanced meals for myself and so negative things happened, like my hair falling out and dry patches of skin and such.  So this time, I will have to be much better about meal preparation and planning, and learn my way around the kitchen, and figure out how to effectively press ALLL the damn water out of the tofu before I cook it.

I have been sharing some of my struggles, and I've been sharing this blog with friends on facebook, in an effort to hold myself accountable and also in some way to seek support.  The friends I have on fb are people that I feel fairly close to, for the most part.  I don't just go around randomly friending people I don't know.  They are people I know personally, and some that I've never met face to face, but have had extended interactions with them over a period of years that I met at another place.  I know there are varying schools of thought about veganism, and I know that it's not for everyone.  I am not going to try to rope my carnivorous kid into doing it with me, but I will try to feed her some of the things I cook.  And I know it's a lost cause to try to get my husband to do it. Not even gonna go there. What I find frustrating, are the people who feel that it is totally fine, even funny to chime in to mock my lifestyle choice.  I am adopting a vegan diet, at the moment.  The lifestyle will follow.  When I said that I was going vegan, one of my friends asked "What are your shoes made out of?"  That was all she had to say.  Well to answer that question, I mostly wear Chucks, flip flops and shoes made of man made materials, thanks.  I do have leather shoes in my closet from shoe purchases over the years, but haven't bought anything leather in some time. That's not the point though.  I am trying to make a healthy lifestyle choice, to try to manage and reverse a potentially serious disease.  I am trying to finally step up to the plate and care about myself, and put my own needs first.  I am also eating a little closer to my heart.  I know that there are some things that I will probably do or products that I will use that incorporate animals, because it is unavoidable.  But as far as everything else, where I have a CHOICE I am going to CHOOSE vegan.

I have had to listen to many and more jokes about vegetarianism/veganism over the years.  I have had carnivores wave meat in my face and tell me, leering.. "you know you want a nice juicy steak".  Other things cloaked in humor and called jokes that are at times quite hostile and derisive.  I know that there has been this ongoing battle between vegetarians and omnivores, but I don't partake in it.  I don't mock, dismiss, or disrespect anyone's diet choices.  When asked why I eat the way I do, I explain my feelings and beliefs about it, and try to educate...but I never judge anyone.  Why do others feel so free to judge me, or try to call me out as a hypocrite or test if I'm a "true vegan" by questioning my wardrobe choices?  Is it a guilty conscience? Do they feel self conscious about their choice to eat/use animal products? It is just another in a long list of examples of singling out someone who doesn't conform, and I'm really kinda tired of it. You do you, and I'll do me.  I'm kind of over laughing this stuff off, don't think I'm gonna do it anymore.  I'm also not going to engage in facebook drama, but I am really a fan of the whole, if you can't say something nice... don't say anything at all, school of thought.  Constructive criticism is fine, it can be delivered in a caring tone, and does't have to be mean. Too many people are rude and hide it under the umbrella of "constructive criticism".

As to the fear mentioned in the title, I admit  being scared.  Diabetes is no joke. I never thought that this would be me.  I worry about the progression of the disease, I worry about this not working, and having to deal with the complications that come with it.  My health has really gone to crap in the past few years, for a lot of reasons.  I have read and seen that it can be controlled, even reversed, and I am praying to the god and goddess that I can reverse this with a lifestyle change...diet/lifestyle/weight loss and management.  Support is welcomed, needed, even.  Drama, not so much.

Rant over.  Time to get sweaty.

Forward Movement...FINALLY!!!

Weighed myself this morning and I am finally seeing "profit" as it were.  I am down to 260.2!!!!  As previous entries will tell you, I had actually gained a few pounds after starting this exercise program. Well I've lost those pounds, plus one more.  All weight loss from here on out is progress towards my goal. I have a tentative goal of 160 pounds for now.  I am 5'10", so I think that 160 is a workable weight, but I want to get there and see how it feels/looks.  My "ideal weight range" is 150-160, so I am still looking at that damn century weight loss figure. 100 pounds, ugh!

I can do this.  I MUST do this.  

Today is a rest day from vigorous exercise, but I may take a walk later, or something.  I am feeling energetic.  Maybe I'll vacuum my floors. >.<

You Can't Be Depressed if You're Moving

I've heard this phrase repeatedly over the last month or so.  It's one of those things that when you hear it, it makes logical sense, but brush it aside because in that moment you aren't feeling blue, or it just has no place at that moment in time.  Today I got a taste of the truth of it.

I have been a ball of nerves as the summer comes to a close.  As school marches closer, my excitement is tempered by anxiety.  I got the preceptorship assignment I wanted, I will be working in an ER, but I will also finally be doing things that I've only had very limited glancing experience with up to this point.  It's time to apply everything I've learned, and actually transition from being a student to being a nurse. All those silly irrational fears creep in, like: what if I forget eveything I know?  What if I can't keep calm in an urgent situation? (and this is something I have managed to do in my own real life experience, mind you..and I still worry about this).  What if I screw up? What if I FAIL? All of these fears are making my head spin and my brain is running like a hamster on a wheel...going a million miles an hour, but not getting anywhere.  I guess that's what it means to go nowhere, fast.

I have been struggling with insomnia for the past 2 nights running... awake until 3 am at a minimum.  This has made me a very tired girl.  When I got up this morning, all I wanted to do was to go  back to bed.  Although I have all manner of things to do and to organize and to deal with, I didn't want to do anything. And doing nothing, just makes the time shorter to do the big pile of chores and errands and paperwork and phone calls, etc.  And that's not even considering working out. Ugh. No.  Do.Not.Want.

Well sitting here and ignoring the elephant(s) in the room only really serves to make me feel more shitty.  I was deep into a pretty good brood, when I heard the words that inspired the title of today's entry. I heard them spoken in my brain.  I got up out of my chair, I went into the kitchen and loaded and started the dishwasher.  Our sink runneth over. :p  Once I got that done, before I sat back down, I went and changed into my workout gear and did my treadmill workout.  C25K, W3D3 is done. Next stop Week 4.  Now I just have to stay in my calorie budge for today, and I will be back on track (yesterday was a calorie budget fail).  I am edging back down, though I still haven't seen any net loss yet.

You can't be depressed if you're moving.  It's true.  I got up off my butt, did a chore, which gave me the satisfaction of a chore completed, or at least well on its way to being so.  Then I got through my treadmill workout.  I burned 265 calories that I wouldn't have burned otherwise. I am sitting her blogging this while it is fresh in my mind, but I actually feel energized, more alert.  Not necessarily all better, no.  I'm still kinda tired.  This isn't one of those workout days where I feel like a million bucks when I finish, but I do feel better than I did before I started.  I will likely get up from here and do a few more household chores, and I want to fit in some more exercise, just not sure what I'm gonna do yet.  I want to burn more calories.  I want to get more stuff done.  I want to get my ducks in a row before school starts.

So my journey continues. Still baby steps, but I feel like I'm getting stronger.  I'm 9 workouts in now.  I have been at this for almost a whole month.This is probably one of my best efforts at fitness without something forcing me to do it (like college credit).  I'm going to try to keep moving, because I don't want to be depressed.

Tweaking and Fine Tuning

Is it ever going to freaking end??? GAAAAHHH!! :P

I did my workout today. Workout #8.  C25K W3D2.  I used the fitness watch that I got last week and the results were...meh.  I burned 271 calories.  I didn't do my strength dvd today, just felt too drained and tired. Not much food in my belly is a probably culprit, along with eating some less than savory things and having a few drinks at the cohort party last night. So I will do it tomorrow and see how many calories that burns.  But at this rate I'll have to do 2 a days, or bump up my speed on the treadmill.  I am not sure I can handle going any faster though, as the intervals get longer.  I guess I'll just have to test myself.

This explains a few things though.  I haven't been burning as many calories as I thought and MFP was giving me credit for way more than I really burned.  So I have probably still been going overbudget on my calorie intake.  But also, at this rate it will take FOREVER for me to lose weight. Although with a 1400 calorie limit, plus exercise, I should still be losing... now that I have a more accurate picture of what I'm doing.

It's just super frustrating though.  I KNOW I didn't put this weight on overnight.  But it's been almost 4 weeks and I've not lost weight... I've actually gained a pound (now that I've lost 2 of the 3 I had gained a couple weeks ago).    I am not sure that I will have the time and ability to manage all this when school starts in a week.  *sigh*

Gonna chalk it up to an off day I guess, and try again tomorrow.

Workout #7

I did C25K W3D1 today.  I did not do my strength workout though.  I am re-evaluating my approach to working out.  I am going to start staggering the cardio and the strength workouts, I think.  I am still kind of fumbling around with all of this, and I'm not sure if I'm doing enough, but also afraid of doing too much and hurting myself.  

I got the new fitness watch set up, put the chest strap on, but fumbled with figuring out how to record my workout, so today it was just a wrist and chest decoration, but I went back to the manual and figured out what I needed to do and will use it tomorrow.  I am disappointed that I didn't get a reading for today though. Booo! 

I continue to NOT lose weight, which is starting to annoy me a little bit now.  I went into my settings for MyFitnessPal and saw that part of the problem was that I hadn't made changes to account for the weight I'd put back on since stopping my PE class.  I guess I've been eating about 200 too many calories a day, for one thing.  I am now on a 1400 calorie per day allowance (if I don't exercise) and if I do exercise, the calories burned are subtracted, so I can eat a few more.  We'll see if this adjustment helps.  Otherwise, I've been really good about watching WHAT and HOW MUCH I eat, so the weight should start coming off dammit! 

I am still seeing small gains in my overall body strength and ability, so that is heartening, but I am looking forward to seeing actual results.  I am tempted to wear the watch and chest strap to work to see how many calories I burn on a shift.  At any rate, I was worried that I had jacked my knee on that last set of lunges on Wednesday because I was having knee pain when I walked downstairs. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to workout today... in all honesty that's another reason I didn't do the strength workout today.  I didn't want to do the lunges and squats with my knee acting squirrelly, so I will do the strength dvd tomorrow maybe... or I may hold off and do it on Sunday when I do my next day of c25k.  I dunno.  

I am suffering from some doubts at the moment.  Doubts about whether or not I'm logging my stuff correctly with respect to calories in and out, not sure if I'm doing enough exercise, doubts about whether I'll be able to keep this up once school starts again and my schedule fills up with classes, clinicals, projects and studies.  I am not discouraged. I am NOT going to quit.  I am just feeling a little lost and confused at the moment.  But keeping moving, keeping going, that is something.  That will help me find my way.