My a-ha Moment... of sorts

I went for a trail walk today.  According to Run Keeper I walked 3.68 miles.  My Fit Bit counted all the hills on the trail as stairs (elevation changes I suppose), and I ended up with a total of 17 floors climbed.  It was my first earnest trail walk in some time, as the weather has been bad until recently.  It felt good to be outside, and to be moving.  I kept a decent pace and busted a good sweat. 

I had my phone with me so I could stream music as I walked because my iPod still only has a little bit of music on it, and so that I could use RunKeeper.  I am beginning to understand why the iPod is on the way out.  Putting the ability to download apps onto it, and making it wifi dependent sort of defeats the purpose of it, when there's an iPhone that doesn't rely on wifi and you put all your music on it.  So many apps, like RunKeeper and C25K and such that have become very important tools make it less than desirable to use something that needs a wifi connection to work.  I am actually considering switching now, which I'm sure my husband will love :p lol.  Anyway, I opened Spotify and was trying to think of uptempo music to stream while I walked.  Ke$ha came to mind and so I searched her up and streamed her tunes and she fueled my walk.   I am not generally a huge fan of her music, nor much of the pop that is playing today, but it did keep me moving.  I can accept it, even like it for that reason.  I will probably download her stuff and some other artists that I wouldn't normally listen to for the purpose of a cardio playlist. 

As I walked, I felt really good.  I think I experienced that exercise euphoria/runner's high thing yesterday.  I wish I could have captured that feeling and kept it safely, where I could access it when I need it.  I felt so positive, so focused, like I could actually finally do this thing I've been struggling with for so long now.  Today I sit here with an exercise hangover, and try to motivate myself to move again.  I have a kettlebell and a dvd that came with it... I want to do it/need to do it...but the energy and the drive defies me at the moment.  So I sit here and type about yesterday's workout and the good feelings that accompanied it in hopes of pushing myself to move. I slept until 12:30 today, and that was too long! I hate when I do that.  :p

I got some exercise gear from the Nike store a while ago and finally put it to use, some spandex type running pants, and a tank top, combined with one of my newer sports bras.  I noticed that I seemed to move better in them and I discovered why lycra/spandex is so popular.... and maybe to an extent why bigger girls like to wear it.  I felt lighter and moved more fluidly in it. It kept the jiggles at bay and there was no chub rub.  I can totally understand the draw of it now, lol!  It's an awkward feeling to jiggle with every step, especially when running or doing cardio that involves such movements.  I don't think I'll be doing the t shirts and sweats thing anymore :p

I need to get my paws on some books about clean eating and start doing it.  I need to start making smoothies and get a juicer and juice.  I need to write in this blog more.  Time to do it.  Starting with suiting up and doing a kettlebell workout.

The Latest....

I know that this blog is mostly for my own benefit at this point.  I am so inconsistent with my activity that I am sure that I've lost anyone who was even remotely interested in it... and that's ok.  I still have the space to use as I see fit and as my needs and motivation suits.  But on the off chance that anyone *does* still look at it, and to give myself a jumping off point to maintaining this thing a bit better, I will do a catching up type post. 

Medically speaking, things are so-so.  I started losing weight without doing much of anything differently.  I have lost about 30 pounds thus far, and the only thing that had changed was my employment status.  Along with other things that weren't quite right, I went in and got tested for Type 2 diabetes, and...surprise... I have it.  I am taking oral antidiabetic meds, no insulin yet, thankfully.  My sugar is a lot better than it was, but it's still high.  My body initially responded really well to the meds, but my sugar is creeping up again.  I am also on a new antidepressant that focuses more on treating anxiety and it seems to be working also.  I really need to get into a regular exercise routine and lose the rest of this weight, and try to get my sugar back to normal levels.  I'd love to do this and maybe eventually reverse the diabetes completely. 

I run into the usual problems that plague everyone when it comes to this though.  Busy schedule, exhaustion from such a busy schedule, low motivation at times, lack of support from family, etc.  To combat this, I think I'm going to do a project of sorts.  I am going to make a vision board of sorts.  Not with the idea that seeing or thinking it will make it happen, but more with the idea of using it to motivate me to action.  I want to list positives of weight loss, some of which I already see having lost 30 pounds, and fill it with empowering thoughts and images.  I want to make this and hang it somewhere that I will see it daily and have it remind me that I need to work out before I sink into the couch.  I'm thinking posterboard, photos of me at my heaviest, some photos of me now, 30 pounds down, The pros and motivational statements in bold lettering... I just realized I know the perfect place to hang it, too! :)  Time to work on this! (and to fit in a workout too!). 

A year? Really?

I know I have been gone for a while, but a year?   Damn.  I picked up on working out again yesterday.   Working out being walks at present.  I did about 5 miles total yesterday and today.  Planning some yoga in a bit.  My stress levels are ridiculous and I need to find a way to deal.  My health is gonna suffer. 

Not going to make a super long entry here, but I am weighing in at about 240 right now.  Short term goal to get down to 200... Then set new goal.  I need to lose about 80 pounds. 

Fear Is the Mind Killer

That line from "Dune" (by Frank Herbert, great book, I highly recommend it) came to my mind today.  My last workout was August 29th, a day short of 2 weeks ago.  I've been wrestling with myself about it, like I do.  I would continually argue with myself about it, tell myself I was going to do it, and then... didn't do it.  School preparation was a factor, had to run around turning in this bit of paperwork here, buy my books, there, do this or that online orientation module, etc.  but that only figured in a little bit.

I am prone to anxiety.  I don't have panic attacks per se, not the stereotypical hyperventilation episodes, feeling of impending doom... but I do get scared, terrified sometimes, and it paralyzes me.  I think I enumerated some of my greatest fears and concerns in previous entries, so I am not going to go into them again here (you're welcome! ;)  )  But suffice it to say, it can be crippling.  So as I sat here today trying to psyche myself into working out... yet AGAIN  (this is a daily battle, and I think I win about as often as I lose, so far) that line passed through my brain. I did a quick inventory of my concerns specific to working out (knowing it was going to seriously kick my ass an not wanting to deal with that, mostly) and just made myself get up and do it.

In light of my current situation healthwise, and the fact that I'm in my last semester of school and I don't want ANYTHING to fuck that up or delay it, I got out of my chair and took care of business. Got a pretty decent result out of it, too, in terms of calories burned.  My schedule this semester is the most flexible it's ever been, in terms of being able to fit in exercise, there really is no reason for me not to.

Rude Awakening, Frustration, and A Little Fear

I've been a bit stalled in my workouts. August 29th was the last one.  I am ending that today.  Once I write this, I am going to suit up and do a run. This weekend I want to go on a hike and take the family with me. I've wanted to hike since moving here nearly 17 years ago. I've sort of kind of half ass done it, but not seriously.  I am going to do it now though, so I can do it at least once before the weather goes to hell.
I don't know what happened.  I had some good momentum, and then just kind of stalled.  I'm still struggling a bit with motivation, but it's an ongoing learning process, and I'll keep working at it.

Yesterday was a bit of a rude awakening.  I went and did a glucometer training for clinicals and we had to poke each others fingers to use the machine.  I was dreading that, because I knew mine would be high, and I really wasn't keen on any of my classmates seeing that, I will just go ahead and admit that now.  And I was right.  It was high.  Really high.  Not gonna say the number, just suffice it to say, I should probably see a doctor and deal with it, soon.  I already knew I was hyperglycemic, but now I might actually need meds, and be full on diabetic. I mentioned in a previous entry, I think, that I had bought a book that basically advocates a vegan diet for controlling and possibly reversing diabetes.  I have sort of read it in fits and starts, but after yesterdays shenanigans, I picked it up and started to give it a serious look.  I am going to go back to being a vegan, and give this a try.  I was vegan for about 4 months a few years back, and in that time I lost a lot of weight, and noticed a lot of other positive changes as well.  I stopped though, and let dairy and eggs back into my life because I was really pitiful at preparing balanced meals for myself and so negative things happened, like my hair falling out and dry patches of skin and such.  So this time, I will have to be much better about meal preparation and planning, and learn my way around the kitchen, and figure out how to effectively press ALLL the damn water out of the tofu before I cook it.

I have been sharing some of my struggles, and I've been sharing this blog with friends on facebook, in an effort to hold myself accountable and also in some way to seek support.  The friends I have on fb are people that I feel fairly close to, for the most part.  I don't just go around randomly friending people I don't know.  They are people I know personally, and some that I've never met face to face, but have had extended interactions with them over a period of years that I met at another place.  I know there are varying schools of thought about veganism, and I know that it's not for everyone.  I am not going to try to rope my carnivorous kid into doing it with me, but I will try to feed her some of the things I cook.  And I know it's a lost cause to try to get my husband to do it. Not even gonna go there. What I find frustrating, are the people who feel that it is totally fine, even funny to chime in to mock my lifestyle choice.  I am adopting a vegan diet, at the moment.  The lifestyle will follow.  When I said that I was going vegan, one of my friends asked "What are your shoes made out of?"  That was all she had to say.  Well to answer that question, I mostly wear Chucks, flip flops and shoes made of man made materials, thanks.  I do have leather shoes in my closet from shoe purchases over the years, but haven't bought anything leather in some time. That's not the point though.  I am trying to make a healthy lifestyle choice, to try to manage and reverse a potentially serious disease.  I am trying to finally step up to the plate and care about myself, and put my own needs first.  I am also eating a little closer to my heart.  I know that there are some things that I will probably do or products that I will use that incorporate animals, because it is unavoidable.  But as far as everything else, where I have a CHOICE I am going to CHOOSE vegan.

I have had to listen to many and more jokes about vegetarianism/veganism over the years.  I have had carnivores wave meat in my face and tell me, leering.. "you know you want a nice juicy steak".  Other things cloaked in humor and called jokes that are at times quite hostile and derisive.  I know that there has been this ongoing battle between vegetarians and omnivores, but I don't partake in it.  I don't mock, dismiss, or disrespect anyone's diet choices.  When asked why I eat the way I do, I explain my feelings and beliefs about it, and try to educate...but I never judge anyone.  Why do others feel so free to judge me, or try to call me out as a hypocrite or test if I'm a "true vegan" by questioning my wardrobe choices?  Is it a guilty conscience? Do they feel self conscious about their choice to eat/use animal products? It is just another in a long list of examples of singling out someone who doesn't conform, and I'm really kinda tired of it. You do you, and I'll do me.  I'm kind of over laughing this stuff off, don't think I'm gonna do it anymore.  I'm also not going to engage in facebook drama, but I am really a fan of the whole, if you can't say something nice... don't say anything at all, school of thought.  Constructive criticism is fine, it can be delivered in a caring tone, and does't have to be mean. Too many people are rude and hide it under the umbrella of "constructive criticism".

As to the fear mentioned in the title, I admit  being scared.  Diabetes is no joke. I never thought that this would be me.  I worry about the progression of the disease, I worry about this not working, and having to deal with the complications that come with it.  My health has really gone to crap in the past few years, for a lot of reasons.  I have read and seen that it can be controlled, even reversed, and I am praying to the god and goddess that I can reverse this with a lifestyle change...diet/lifestyle/weight loss and management.  Support is welcomed, needed, even.  Drama, not so much.

Rant over.  Time to get sweaty.

Forward Movement...FINALLY!!!

Weighed myself this morning and I am finally seeing "profit" as it were.  I am down to 260.2!!!!  As previous entries will tell you, I had actually gained a few pounds after starting this exercise program. Well I've lost those pounds, plus one more.  All weight loss from here on out is progress towards my goal. I have a tentative goal of 160 pounds for now.  I am 5'10", so I think that 160 is a workable weight, but I want to get there and see how it feels/looks.  My "ideal weight range" is 150-160, so I am still looking at that damn century weight loss figure. 100 pounds, ugh!

I can do this.  I MUST do this.  

Today is a rest day from vigorous exercise, but I may take a walk later, or something.  I am feeling energetic.  Maybe I'll vacuum my floors. >.<

You Can't Be Depressed if You're Moving

I've heard this phrase repeatedly over the last month or so.  It's one of those things that when you hear it, it makes logical sense, but brush it aside because in that moment you aren't feeling blue, or it just has no place at that moment in time.  Today I got a taste of the truth of it.

I have been a ball of nerves as the summer comes to a close.  As school marches closer, my excitement is tempered by anxiety.  I got the preceptorship assignment I wanted, I will be working in an ER, but I will also finally be doing things that I've only had very limited glancing experience with up to this point.  It's time to apply everything I've learned, and actually transition from being a student to being a nurse. All those silly irrational fears creep in, like: what if I forget eveything I know?  What if I can't keep calm in an urgent situation? (and this is something I have managed to do in my own real life experience, mind you..and I still worry about this).  What if I screw up? What if I FAIL? All of these fears are making my head spin and my brain is running like a hamster on a wheel...going a million miles an hour, but not getting anywhere.  I guess that's what it means to go nowhere, fast.

I have been struggling with insomnia for the past 2 nights running... awake until 3 am at a minimum.  This has made me a very tired girl.  When I got up this morning, all I wanted to do was to go  back to bed.  Although I have all manner of things to do and to organize and to deal with, I didn't want to do anything. And doing nothing, just makes the time shorter to do the big pile of chores and errands and paperwork and phone calls, etc.  And that's not even considering working out. Ugh. No.  Do.Not.Want.

Well sitting here and ignoring the elephant(s) in the room only really serves to make me feel more shitty.  I was deep into a pretty good brood, when I heard the words that inspired the title of today's entry. I heard them spoken in my brain.  I got up out of my chair, I went into the kitchen and loaded and started the dishwasher.  Our sink runneth over. :p  Once I got that done, before I sat back down, I went and changed into my workout gear and did my treadmill workout.  C25K, W3D3 is done. Next stop Week 4.  Now I just have to stay in my calorie budge for today, and I will be back on track (yesterday was a calorie budget fail).  I am edging back down, though I still haven't seen any net loss yet.

You can't be depressed if you're moving.  It's true.  I got up off my butt, did a chore, which gave me the satisfaction of a chore completed, or at least well on its way to being so.  Then I got through my treadmill workout.  I burned 265 calories that I wouldn't have burned otherwise. I am sitting her blogging this while it is fresh in my mind, but I actually feel energized, more alert.  Not necessarily all better, no.  I'm still kinda tired.  This isn't one of those workout days where I feel like a million bucks when I finish, but I do feel better than I did before I started.  I will likely get up from here and do a few more household chores, and I want to fit in some more exercise, just not sure what I'm gonna do yet.  I want to burn more calories.  I want to get more stuff done.  I want to get my ducks in a row before school starts.

So my journey continues. Still baby steps, but I feel like I'm getting stronger.  I'm 9 workouts in now.  I have been at this for almost a whole month.This is probably one of my best efforts at fitness without something forcing me to do it (like college credit).  I'm going to try to keep moving, because I don't want to be depressed.